the words you say never seem to live up to the ones inside your head

the lives we make never seem to get us anywhere but dead. the day i tried to live, soundgarden. i really dig this song. cornell can really sing, in my opinion he's one of the best. i have been trying to be a more positive person as far as the way i treat people and the way i speak of people. its required to achieve true happiness. the book i was reading suggests i'm required to 'be impeccable with my word' my words are capable of 'casting spells' on people. i guess the easiest and quickest way i can explain it, is that when i say someone is a, i dont know, liar/asshole/etc., should i be told these same things were said about me, i have a reaction of some sort. chances are, i'll be upset and if i'm forced to take an honest assessment of whether the negative statements about me are true, i will probably get caught up in making unfair judgements about myself based on someone's opinion. the person who says the bad stuff can be sick, tired, in a bad mood, any number of things when they lash out with a statement thats bad. so, the short and long, i guess, is i messed up and i was talking crap about someone i feel wronged me some time ago. it doesnt matter the specifics of how i feel i was wronged, but i feel that way and i'm entitled to that. so, i caught myself running my mouth about this person today and caught myself. my awareness to my negativity is growing. this is a good thing. so, i catch the mistake and made an immediate retraction and spoke that i wished that person well, all the joys and happiness i wish for myself. then i realized, i had sent out a message about a month ago regarding this same individual to the person who told me of the incident where i was wronged. so, i made an attempt to reach out to a family member, by marriage, of mine who is really tight with the guy and left him a message, asking for one of two things, the guy's number, so i can call him, tell him that i said some bad things and apologize for that or so this family member would contact the individual, and inform him of the situation and apologize for me, i'm fine with either one. i hope that i get this done. i believe the fact that i'm doing this is a big step for me to continue on a path of righteousness. i know for sure i've said several negative things about others today, and i think that sucks. the difference today is that i am aware of these things and am able to catch myself, next step, stop saying them before they come out, save us this whole apology step. the apology cant make it right, but it's all i can do at this point. i know this may not seem like a big deal, but to me, during this transitional phase, it is. i'm glad to see a little action on this blog as i haven't really given this web address to many. i have a tendency to divulge a little too much information in the attempt of being open and honest. so, i've told a few people i respect and trust where this information can be found. its almost like a journal, so perhaps, it should be more private. i just feel that through my experiences in the early stages of this attempt to change myself, i may be able to help other people make some similar changes, maybe it'll keep me a little more accountable. no, i dont put everything on here, but when the mood strikes......i guess in the words of another singer i love, one robert nesta marley,"strike the hammer while iron is hot" so thats what i try to do, if something is on my mind that i think can make any sense to anyone else or even to me at a later date, it's worth the time. i mentioned in the other blog that i went to my 07 self for advice on the grieving process, thats a remarkable thing. to realize that i am the best person to consult in an issue i'm struggling with. well, interesting, if not remarkable. it also proves that i'm insane to a degree because this is a very similar time in my life as early 07, dealing with very similar issues that caused very similar heartache and headache, just no paperwork or lawyers this go round. alright, i gotta get this show on the road, work in 30 minutes and this hair is ridiculous. thanks for taking an interest in my thoughts and in me. love you guys. have a nice day. i'm sure i'll post again soon. later.