my bitter hands cradle broken glass of what was everything

thats from pearl jams song black. did you know that pearl jam named the album ten after mookie blaylock of the atlanta hawks. it was their favorite player at the time. they also called the band the 5 musketeers at first and had an album called no fucking messiah. later on they named the band pearl jam after eddie vedder's grandma pearls peyote jelly. she made jelly for eddie and his friends with peyote, an extremely potent, psychadelic mushroom that grows on cacti. that must have been pretty cool. when i was in high school i was a huge fan of pearl jam, thats why i have all of this useless information. my friends and i would sit at airline motors, a restaurant in laplace and analyze the lyrics to their songs. yep, we were the coolest guys at the school, whatever. i never knew back then what i wanted out of this life or what the world would have in store for me, i just learned how to be cool and how to have friends so i could feel like i was a part of, i felt like fitting in was the most important thing to do. i got really good at it. i won the votes of my classmates as thier favorite 2 years in a row. this is the extent of what i learned in high school. then i wondered where i'd be in ten years and where life will have taken me. here i am and i've been through the wringer. i have learned all of the things normal people learn early on, i was able to skip these lessons then because of my uncanny ability to get what i wanted through other people. i was a master manipulater. i was so good that i didnt know i was doing it. so here i am 10 years later, whats different? everything. i cant ever explain to you what the world looks like through the eyes of a man who has seen it all, the highs and lows. near death experiences, police chases, drive-by shootings, addiction. i could tell you anything you want to know, first hand about drugs, loneliness, depression, anxiety, hallucination, sleep depravation, how long a human can go without food or water, how it feels to lose everything you love including yourself, i can tell you with no exaggeration about all of these things and you'd never understand what i was saying. you weren't there, nor will you ever be. so, my world is different than yours. i see it for 'all' it is. i also can tell you that all things are possible through christ who strengthens me. i can tell you how it feels to get back all that you love, how to love yourself, how to forgive, how to love others, how to live in the moment, how to enjoy life to the fullest in every passing second, how to do your best, how to be okay with yourself, how to overcome any obstacle that may be in your way. "the world is my oyster". i always said that in high school, it sounded cool. i never knew that this world truly is at my fingertips. i love now. i can feel again. its better though, i no longer fear judgements. i can live without expectation or fear. i can be free from guilt, shame and remorse. 'i will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it'. i have overcome the odds because God pulled me out of the fire. i am a miracle. i see miracles every single day of my life now. its because of where i've been that my eyes have been opened to this world. had i not lost so much or been down so low, i would not understand how to be so grateful, so appreciative. 'no matter how far down the scale we have gone we will see how our experience can benefit others.' i don't have to justify my existance or my feelings. i'm okay with me. i can easily forgive others and respect everyone and i am respected. the 4 agreements is a book i just got through reading. there is a paragraph i really liked that i'll quote here,"when you surrender and let go of the past, you allow yourself to be fully alive in the moment. letting go of the past means you can enjoy the dream that is happening right now." i dont know. this thing was entirely too long i think. no one will read this, its just too much. when i listen to radiohead, i dont know many words, so my focus is right on. i just get to writing and it kinda flows, maybe it makes sense to you, maybe not. it doesn't matter. oh well. in the words of my boy derek the model,"meet me in the men's room" see ya