the barrel waits, trigger shakes, aimed right at my head

wont you help me. help me find myself. state of love and trust by pearl jam. i must be so bored right now or nervous, don't know. i would write in the past to get things out and i guess thats what this is. i guess some nights i still have a hard time relinquishing all of the guilt from some of the things i did. i was remembering one night in particular last night and it kept me up for a few hours. i wanted to call and apologize, but it's 'too late to apologize, it's too late' and besides i have said my apologies and done absolutely everything i can do to make it right. they say the disease of addiction is 'cunning, baffling, powerful'. i agree. i would then add that it evolves. when the euphoric recall of what it felt like to be on certain drugs is drowned out by the pain of those last days, the good stuff doesn't matter cause the pain is front and center. then what? i don't want to use for the feeling, so then what? i'll tell you. next the disease, which is a mental illness, will evolve or change it's method. the obsession to use drugs did not work and my brain wants drugs, it in fact has been trained for ten years to need them. so now, stay with me, my brain is in a fight with my body to get some dope. the euphoric recall doesnt work, so now the obsession becomes focused on the things i did in the past or things i can't control in the present. when i was in treatment i would have vivid dreams at night of my wife at the time and this dude m.d., i would see them in the bedroom doing stuff and would make it real. my dreams taunted me. i would then send letters in the mail and when i didn't hear back after a few weeks, i'd envision them in bed, after sex, reading the letters and laughing at my expense. i realize that this is crazy. i know, but that didn't make it any less real at the time. i can i.d. it for what it is, a symptom of a disease. its the disease of alcoholism and i have it. as long as i can focus on whats in front of me and trust that god has the rest under control i stand a chance at remaining somewhat sane. the disease is very real and i am very afflicted. i have 13 months and 2 weeks now without a drink and life is really good. i have allot of peace most days, but last night was a reminder that i am not out of the woods, what i have is a 'daily reprieve contingent upon maintenance of my spiritual condition' i think thats a quote, not sure if i got it exactly right. well, another one in the books. i will try to let go and allow god to take this guilt away again so i can breath. much love to my peeps that wanna jack my style and my quotes. have at em homey, in the words of chris cornell. 'hate if you want to hate, if it keeps you safe.' later homeys