the art of self deception

Current mood:anxious

many people have a skill, specific to them. eddie vedder can sing, michael jordan can hoop, jj redick can shoot, and i can lie to myself. yesterday was the latest revelation of my self-deception skills and how amazingly skilled i am in that department. i had 'the talk' with my wife or ex-wife, i need to start writing it, maybe then it will appear real to me. yeah, i thought she was holding the divorce papers and was reconsidering the whole idea. i was wrong. i am such an idiot. she told me that she had to go through with the divorce a long time ago and i heard her, but then the papers were never brought to me so, i figured she had a change of heart. well, that is not what happened. apparently, due to some setback at the attorneys office, my ex-wife hasnt gotten the papers yet. so as she put it,"it may be official, miesch again.". people always tell each other this wont happen to us or we'll always be together or some variation of that monkey crap. believe me i had a better woman than most guys ever dream of having, and if she can call it quits than i see why the statistics are the way they are today. just another number, how about it? well, i know this guy john w(i'm doing it right now s-d) who is in aa. his wife left him and took the house and the baby, he punched her in the face and shot the house up with a .45. they got re-married on their wedding anniversary around the time that john was 3 or 4 years sober, so it could happen. i think it will probably take her having kids with some other man for me to accept it and even then i dont know that i will. i am crazy about her and have her up on this pedestal. its like these other girls dont have a prayer. my counselor used to compare me to a ferrari and myka's other man in her life as a geo prism(which she used to have by the way), the ferrari looks really good right now, but she's seen it in the ditch and knows what that looks like too. so the prism becomes pretty nice when you think about it that way. anyways, i hope that she wont settle for any prism or hyundai or whatever. i am pretty confident that we were in love, the real thing, and no matter what happens that wont go away, so hopefully time will heal some wounds for us both, because as much as she doesn't trust me, i feel betrayed, abandoned, and decieved as well. oh well, what can you do? i pray that it all works out and I know that God can restore it, so I wait, patiently as possible and watch the miracle unfold. dude, if i didnt rely so much on God, i would be off a bridge by now. ah, the art of self-deception. its like you said shannon, sometimes its easier to believe a lie than it is to know the truth. ricky in 2 and a half hours son....ps i will be working at the manship y on wednesday mornings again....peace