if ya try the best ya can, if ya try the best ya can 2

the best you can is good enough. thats lyrics from the radiohead song, optimistic. well, here i am, las vegas nevada. how did i end up way out here? i'm not sure, but its for a reason. i see old pictures on the facebook of myself and countless others i went to high school with and some of it makes me sad. i see pictures of brandon, my friend from scc, who i know is battling with addiction. i see the pictures of all of the guys i ran with back then and i remember how much fun it was. i can remember the days when we all would hang out on christian's driveway and drink, smoke, and shoot the breeze. see, back then drinking beer through a funnel and smoking large amounts of marijuana on a regular basis was no big deal......now however, if one our age was to behave this way, you'd feel sorry for him if you even wanted him around. the evolution of my substance abuse was interesting in hindsight, yet ultimately no different from anyone else with a problem with it. i see guys that back then didn't smoke weed for whatever reason, guys who rarely got out of hand, f'd up now on strong pharmaceutical grade heroin known as oxycontin. when i worked in the rehab and the halfway house we had a good amount of 17 to 20 year olds hooked on that among other things. I'm almost 30 years old and so are these guys i'm talking about. sure they got a late start, but damn. nobody can possibly be experimenting anymore. by 20 years old i had been exposed to every drug i would ever "try". i had experience with iv drug abuse and crack cocaine at the tender, naive age of 19. keep in mind this is just 2 short years after i graduated high school. i am genuinely concerned about several of my old friends and their well being. i paid a pretty big price, i lost a marriage of 5 years at 27. these guys are going to experience a similar fate sooner or later. the thing i hate for them is that the consequences that they face may be far greater. some of them have families and all of them have great jobs. my substance abuse cost my marriage 1st and foremost, but i also have lingering consequences for not attending college. i went to some classes here and there, but the top priority for me was getting loaded. in this world now with no degree, things are pretty tough. i will go back to school when i can, but right now i am technically just a well seasoned freshman. i feel as though i have exceptional skills in writing and do enjoy it. i also have more life experience than anyone my age with any sort of degree. the lessons i've learned may not get me a fancy-pants job in some high rise office building, but these lessons are invaluable(definition- valuable beyond imagination/ mirriam-webster). yes, i know a world that lots of people will never see beyond the television set. many people will not live to tell of the feeling of being shot at, what its like to hit a bottom so low that you wish for the end, and of course what it feels like to recover. what it's like to win against an enemy that kills 10's of thousands every year. i kinda lost my train of thought there, but i guess what i'm saying is that we all choose our own paths. some decisions we make will be painful and some profitable, but all decisions we make are our own and these decisions will shape and mold the individuals that we 'choose' to become. if you feel sorry for yourself, stop. if you feel proud, stop. the fact is that no matter what you choose, as long as you are still drawing breath, then you stand to become better or worse. no matter how many mistakes i've made; i've learned something from every single moment. now, it took me a little while and it cost a lot to learn the big ones, but everything worth having is worth working for and i worked hard to be the man i am today. the man i am is happy being him and doesn't need to be liked to like himself. where are you at with that? do you like you? really.....do you? and why do you? i dont know. i have plenty of character defects or flaws. i'm prideful, vain, egotistical, and countless other things i don't wish to share right now, but at the end of the day i'm okay with me and i didn't hurt anyone else(on a good day). my goals every day are simple and they work for me. every morning i ask god to help me stay sober and ask for the opportunity to help just one other person. doesnt have to be an addict, just to help one person have a better day. to be that diamond in the rough in a world that is so selfish and self seeking that we dont say hello to people we pass in the grocery store. what are you doing each day to brighten someone else's? if you earnestly and honestly try each day, you'll find that the universe will give you a fair shake, a generous blessing will be poured upon you. positive things come to positive people and yes, they say that no good deed goes unpunished, but its been my experience that no good deed is without a blessing. God is good and so are all of you. thank you for reading this extremely long rambling session. hope you enjoyed it and wish me well here in the valley. i dont know how many people are reading this anymore. so, if you do read my stuff, please subscribe to it so i know that someone is listening. much love to my peoples. holler.