get rid of the crutch

Current mood:blah

alright. well, i'm home now. back at the apartment but still not really pleased. its so difficult to sit around and be helpless...i can wean myself off of the crutches for the next two weeks but haven't been afforded the same chance with my job and workout regimen.this sucks, i worked out every day for 10 months and now out for 2 weeks...blah. i dont know, i just expected something different. i expected to be okay with sitting around all day and night doing nothing. i thought this would be fun to sit around watch tv and play xbox....im not who i was, this is torture. i guess with company and a bunch of marijuana stupid crap used to seem fun....cause man i just have no interest in playing halo or watching movies all day. dont get me wrong i prefer my state of mind now to the altered state i lived in, but man its hard to not have the people in my life that i used to have. there's no better feeling in the world(i know cause i tried all the synthetics), than having someone you love spending time with, to spend time with. my cat is cool, just not the same...i'd elaborate but dont have the words.....i guess the lesson i've learned from this knee surgery and 2 wks back at moms house is that i am no longer a useless peice of crap with no vision(its hard to have vision through the haze i lived in), i have purpose. i have ambition. i have a plan. i finally know what it is i am supposed to do. the reason it took so long i think is because without the experience of a drug problem, having to work through feelings of inferiority and abandonment, i would have never tasted the pain....i never would have felt what it is to lose everything that means anything, and never would have developed the patience, strength, and perserverance it takes to find your way out of such a hopeless and helpless situation. and to do it for myself with no one's help but Gods. i would have never tapped into the intuition and strength that He provides when i try to do what he would have me do, when i try to be the best person i can be. i would have never seen the impossible and unfathomable happen so easily. i would have never seen myself able to get rid of the crutch of alcohol and drugs. now that i know that there is hope and that anyone can recover....i plan to help the helpless and bring hope to the hopeless......i hope that i can be someone who can save lives, bring people out of the haze and into a new and wonderful life before they must feel what i felt, lose what i lost, or see what i have seen....i hope that soon i can help someone else get rid of the crutch