flies in the vaseline

Current mood:tired

for the longest time i thought i'd never decide what i wanted to do with myself or my life. i always thought 'i' needed a plan or 'i' needed to get started on figuring it out. i was in school; out of school. i worked at a bar; i worked at a gym. i was in business or i was in education or whatever the flavor of the symester. 'i' was too busy taking the reigns and trying to do it myself. doing everything i thought i could do for that advertised 'better life'. i never knew what to do or what i even wanted to do. this stuff came really easily to many friends, but not so easily to me or other people i know who took a while to figure it out. i never asked them how they found out which path to take at their crossroads of life, i really don't know how i found it. i know God made it happen, it wasnt me. i used to think that i just wasnt ambitious or i didnt want to earn the money or stature."true ambition is not what we thought it was. true ambition is the deep desire to live usefully and walk humbly under the grace of God." i am finally at a point in my life where i am there. i am being useful and i think usually humble enough. i feel the need to be useful these days. its funny to me when i was in and out of college over the last 10 years, i got what everyone else did. i found out who i was through that experience and found out what i wanted to do for a living. turns out it is in the feild i was studying all these years, substance abuse. i spent all of my time and energy getting loaded on whatever i could get my hands on. now, i know everything i need to know to get out of the dead end situation that drugs and alcohol drive you to.do you? do you know the counsel to give a drug addict or alcoholic whose life has just fallen apart? can you walk him through the first miserable few months? could you convince him that he too could recover and be happy again? do you know what its like to lose everything that means anything? or the steps to take to buckle the chin strap and put adversity on its back and stand triumphant over the very thing that had you by the balls, crying for mercy? i could tell you what i did. i can show you. i can assure you that things get better and you never have to suffer this way again. wow! who knew that all the years of pain and suffering could turn into such a positive thing. its an incredible feeling to do something you love and really make a difference, to have passion about something you do for a living. i hope that everyone who hasn't known God yet would take the time to figure out how chris howard got sober and has been for a year in less than 3 weeks and has a job as a clinical technician at a frickin' drug rehab...........anyone, anyone? its god man, thats the only way it makes any sense. you know me, there is no way i do stuff like this. its pretty incredible, the proofs in the pudding and i have 249 dollars worth of that. i love you guys....peace