dont leave me high. dont leave me dry

thats radiohead’s high and dry. if you never gave radiohead a fair shake, they’re pretty frickin good. i just got through reading some of my old blogs and i remembered why i was writing them or, in essence, journaling. it is amazing how sick i still must be. everytime i go back and read, i feel like such a whiny little woman. i was talking to my boy the other day and we discussed some things about the way i was and i know i was that way, but then when i read it i remember exactly what it was like then and thats a good thing. i dont know why it is that i’m so happy all of the time these days, but it feels good. i am a little nervous about the upcoming move across the country. i have a job that i love here, but things shouldn’t have a ceiling. if they are great now, why can’t they be better. i feel like i can now make moves to have what i want, to a certain degree. i feel as though i deserve good things. i think at times my wants and needs line up and thats a pretty amazing place to be. its nice to feel fulfillment on a daily basis. i know my friends think i’m crazy a lot of the time, but that’s alright if i am a little crazy. it keeps things interesting. my cousin told me last month that i live in fear and am a ’hollow shell of a man’ because i don’t like to go to places such as casino floors or strip clubs, back alleys, crack houses, barrooms, and the like. i told her she had to pick if she wanted ’the shell’ or the crack head that stole her diabetic needles and shot cocaine and smokes crack in her bathroom after stealing money from her purse. there is no in between. my experience shows me that if i try to drink beer or smoke weed again it won’t be too long before i’m robbing houses and buying ’dat hard’ from d and n.o. back at ’the spot’. i could be wrong , but i tried to have a few beers for the 2006 game vs. auburn and it was only 3 months before i was mixing lemon juice, crack, beer, and tabs in a hot spoon, hoping to end it all. so, thanks, but no thanks on the invite to try it again. i don’t need alcohol or even anyone else to be happy today and i can’t even tell you how good that feels. sure, there are times when i get a little worried or preoccupied, but those times never last very long and all of the clowning around and joyous laughter i experience throughout the day should be enough for people to accept, as i have, that those days are over. i don’t have to be that guy anymore, nor would i choose to be. holla at a playa when you see him in the streets. represent that 504 ya heard. rip kevin miller, tupac, bigg.....nevermind holla atcha