take time with a wounded hand, cause it likes to heal, i like to steall

i'm half the man i used to be. this is creep by stp. thats exactly how i feel today for several reasons. reason 1. i know i am capable of being a better person and i failed miserably over the last 4 years. reason 2. i have been reading my old blogs i wrote in 07 and i realize how much wiser and happier i was. reason 3. the friend zone. reason 4. the grieving process must begin again. it took me about an hour and a half to find the particular blog where i remembered writing about the 5 stages of grief, but i found it. that takes us to the reasons i'm grateful. reason 1. i went to 07 version of me for the advice of how to deal with this situation reason 2. i'm capable of better. reason 3. the friend zone is better than nothing 4. i have the opportunity to grow, for it is through pain that we learn the most valuable lessons, or we should. some would tell me the lesson to learn is to move the hell on. well, tell that to my heart, cause its having trouble letting go of the fairy tale i thought i was going to live. its not over though. last i checked, i'm drawing breath and as i've quoted before 'every passing second is another chance to turn it all around. so, to save anyone who reads this incoherent rambling i post the time and effort of locating said piece on the 5 stages of grief and 07 me, which is also the present me, i've copied and pasted it below. how i've managed to run off another beautiful, smart, funny, exciting, princess of a woman is ridiculous. i look back and i do beat myself up over it. i've gotten a little reprieve from reading the past blog on the grieving process but i'm still hurting pretty bad. it's one of life's lessons that i obviously forgot or didnt get just right, so she's gone. for now. that sucks. so, i must continue to stand up and tell the world to bring it and lean on my friends and family, and especially need to start relying on god for some divine intervention. i hate crying myself to sleep and dont want to do that anymore, but i'm sure i've caused nights like that for others, so now its my turn. so, bring on the rain, and dear lord, i know i havent talked to you much lately but i am asking now that you help me through this and that you bless me. i need some prayers answered please, but i know i have to ask you first and then believe that you can do it. thanks lord. now, back to the blog, i read earlier in another post that God chuckles when we ask for something cause what he plans on giving us is so much greater. i know this is true, but i'm having trouble really believing it, so church tomorrow. anyways, gotta get to work and get some food on the way, so heres that post on the 5 stages.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

unsealed on a porch, a letter sat

Current mood:complacent

lyrics from the pearl jam song yellow ledbetter. its a really good jam that doesnt have many lyrics, but it gets the point across. its about a family receiving a letter about their son dying in the war, and they dont want to open it to see the news they already know. they dont know whether its a box, casket or a bag, body bag...oh yeah. cool song, not much to it. i guess its like any bad situation, you know what the bad news is, but once you see it in writing or physically see it it becomes real. denial is a pretty amazing defense mechanism. i dont know from a book the stages of denial but i'll wing it for arguments sake, i think that its stages of grief, denial being the first. the human mind will go toward the path of least pain and suffering. when a loss occurs the brain tells us that it is not real, this can't be happening. the mind is so powerful that, as my uncle squeaky says,"we manifest what we believe". this is so true and a remarkable feature of the human condition, i say condition because i believe we are spiritual beings having a human experience. so, because i believe that whole heartedly, to me, it becomes real. we manifest what we believe. the next is anger. we lash out, show our teeth. just like a wounded animal, when we are hurt, even emotionally, we growl and show what we are capable of. this is usually a bad deal, i hurt, so you're coming down with me.now phase three is where it can get really embarrassing. we have come to grips with the loss somewhat and have lashed out, but we still dont feel better. now we bargain or beg. in a relationship we say how willing we are to change and how if you take me back i'll do a,b,c, and d. sometimes we blame ourselves, if i would've done this or not gone there or whatever. this again gets us nowhere usually. then stage 4. we've done all we know how to do and give up in a sense. depression is the next stage.we cry or isolate, whatever we do when sad. these 4 stages can happen over months, years, or minutes. i had an experience this week where i cycled through all four in a matter of minutes. that is not it, stage 5 is acceptance. this part is tricky because of that human element. we are so clever that we can deceive ourselves into phase one all over again and believe we are in the acceptance phase. we manifest what we believe. we tell people how we have accepted things and are moving on, but in actuality we are starting the process over again. all in all, on some level we can accept it and move forward. we may still be sad for a long time, but time will heal all wounds. i have been called the acceptance champion by a friend of mine. most of the time i would agree to that, but on some level that title is on the line everyday. being the fighting champion i am, i try my best to be honest with myself and identify where i am emotionally. normally i can do that, but we all are subject to our brains and their cunning attempts to trick or protect us. spiritual beings having a human experience........hi-ya!!! that was just me signing out with a karate chop so, hi-ya!