she once believed in every story he had to tell

one day she stiffened, took the other side. thats lyrics to nothingman by pearl jam. good song. so, here i sit, trying to regain some creative spark, even if i write this as a diary, even if its only seen by me, thats just fine. the good book says in colossians 3:23 suggests we should play for an audience of one. aim to please the Lord, not man. this seems to be one of my biggest problems. i've spent the majority of my life with a chameleon style approach to life. some call it fake when i behave a certain way around a certain group of people, maybe it is, but thats your opinion and you are entitled to that. i just think i have a very cultured amount of life experiences, that i may share a frame of reference with almost every human being, i dont think thats fake. i think thats a rare skill that i possess and am good at using. enough of that nonsense. so, i got a workout in this am, i've been putting in some wrestling/tumbling exercises with my weights. its a little rough on the body as i'm doing said exercises in grass as opposed to a wrestling ring, but its fun and i still got it. so, now i'm laying here with one of the most important ladies in my life, my cat, writing this blog. i dont have any crazy insight or anything inspirational that i'm willing to say at this point. lets just say that i'm working like crazy to keep my shit together so that i may have an opportunity at success and the things i want out of life. you know, my favorite person in sports/entertainment was grabbing mattresses out of dumpsters two years after graduating from miami trying to play canadian football, with 7 dollars in his pocket, he didnt know what he was going to do, but he knew he'd have better things, that man is the rock. a multi-million dollar athlete/author/entertainer/actor. i have 12 dollars, a roof over my head, a job, a role in a movie monday, and i know i'm destined for better things. so, i need to have the willingness and patience to wait for these things to materialize. as i gain more respect for myself and the people and faces around me change to more positive ones, these blessings will come. i want to say i know that, but i dont. i've been really happy to spend some really great time with someone very special to me, but i do get frustrated and discouraged cause my candyass wants what i want when i want it, but once again, like the rock says,"there is no substitute for hard work. hard work always pays off.' i've been given the advice to play head games to achieve the goal i'm working towards, to use my manipulative skills to get what i want. to me this seems like a crappy thing to do, especially to someone you love. i want my intentions to be clear in this situation. so, i'm not accepting this advice and i'm choosing to show my hand, i think its the way to go. alright, 3pm, time to do a favor for a friend that benefits me cause i get to see her, even for just a moment then  i'll go to a friends house and listen to some albums. perhaps today is a good day for some stevie wonder, songs in the keys of life. if i can take anything from the last few days, between the reading of the book 'the four agreements' and now thinking of the music of stevie wonder, it seems we were put here for one reason, that reason is to love one another. i was clipped by a side view mirror of a suburban last night while crossing a pedestrian crosswalk, he kept going, and so did i. who cares? i'm fine, not hurt. why should i spread more hate when stevie says so clearly that love's in need of love today. so, i try to send mine out. i know i'm rambling at this point and its because i lack mental clarity with my situation right now. my heart hurts and i press on, i get up and tell the world to just bring it and i try my best to put boots to asses in every minute of every day. its not easy and i falter, often. thats not the measure of a man's character though, that measurement, in my opinion, is taken by how many times that person gets up. I'm up, damn it! again.  i'm up and i'm doing all i can do to achieve the dream, the fairy tale life that i'm chasing, and even without cleats, this man can run fast. so, strap it up and kick adversity in the face today, i know i'm doing it as best i can. and to close this out i need to mention that while i declined the head game advice, i will listen to the words of axel rose and realize that i could use just a little patience. i need to focus on the progress that has been made and not the obstacles ahead. obstacles are what we see when we take our eyes off the goal. yesterdays goal was one that would have been impossible even 6 weeks ago, but we did it. with the help of God, good friends, team bring it, and a little old fashioned hard work. we did it. we didnt get everything we wanted, but thats my selfish, self-centered, i want what i want when i want it problem. i am making loads of progress and plan to keep moving forward. so, with all that incoherent babbling said, bring it, on three, ready, break!