Part 9 The Right Step - today(nov 14, 07)

Current mood:accomplished

so i checked in, finally. the right step was a 30 day residential treatment program. 4 weeks, i thought i could handle that. it was kinda weird, i was one of the oldest guys there, i didnt really have a rock-bottom story, i wanted to want to get better. i was so good at being dishonest, i convinced myself that i wanted this, and that i had it. i wasn't flat out lying to counselors, i believed what i was saying. there was another client there who thought the counselors were stealing his mail, i chested for him and cursed out a counselor my last week there. it wasnt all bad i made good friends with the guys who worked there and i see them still today.the counselor that i yelled at is my aa sponsor today. crazy, right? so i learned allot about myself, and the ama recognized 'disease' of alcoholism. it is a real 'sickness' and it is fatal. there are new studies that show the reaction of the brain when the addicted sees their drug of choice in a photo. its insane. so i learned lots and thought i had a hold of this thing. my counselors recommended that i go to st chris, a 6-8 month halfway house for chemically dependant males, but they were just punishing me for cursing at that counselor. i refused and my folks said they couldn't afford it anyways. next, they offered me a 30 day scholarship at trs. i could stay another month for free, i refused. my release date was june 1st, my fourth wedding anniversary, this was God's will. what better gift to give my wife on our anniversary than a sober, changed husband. the road to hell is paved with good intentions, my intentions were good. i remember that day, my wife took me home and asked me to sign a paper taking my name off of the bank account, i cried about it. she didn't trust me at all, but she didn't end up getting me to sign it. in the end i would prove her right. we went to celebration station and had a blast, we had fun for a few months after i got out, but it caught up with me again. i remember sitting at this guy johnnie's house for the auburn game. he told me that it was a will power thing and that if i wasn't fooling with drugs i could manage. that was all i needed. that day i had 2 beers, went home and nobody got hurt. the next weekend, same thing, nobody got killed, i didn't do drugs. i must be able to drink. i met up with an old friend soon after that and we did cocaine 2 weeks in a row. before to long i was spending almost every dollar i earned at my uncles resteraunt on crack cocaine and paraphanalia. i was a mess. i smoked probably 500 dollars of crack a week. i was so paranoid all of the time. i carried a golf club around the house just in case someone was in there with me. the person my wife fell in love with was once again m.i.a. this time worse than ever. my wife would go down the street to check her fantasy football stuff at that guys johnnie's house which was right down the street from us. the dope spot was directly between my apt. and johnnies. she would leave, i'd watch her pull in to his driveway, then i haul it to the dope spot, grab a 60 dollar rock, hurry home and start to smoke it. i'd blow the smoke in the refridgerator or freezer so she wouldnt smell it inside. i was too paranoid to blow the smoke outdoors. i did this charade everyday for 3 or 4 weeks. i'd come home late at night from work, go to the back bathroom and cut on the shower. i would sit there and smoke all of the crack i bought that night before i would go and lay in bed and pretend to sleep. i was such an a-hole. i wish i could take it all back, or i wish i could have stopped, but i couldnt. one day i was passed out on the couch in some haze, xanax or something, and my wife woke me up screaming that she was done, i remember now that i asked her if she meant divorce, she said yes and told me to get out. this was december 23rd, she had found a make-shift crack pipe i made with a golf club shaft. i left and tried to figure something out, first stop, where else, the dope spot and grab 100 rock. i smoked it while driving around baton rouge thinking if there was anyone i hadn't screwed over who may take me in. i got nothing. i went to laplace where i ran into my little brother and he told my that my uncle didnt want me to show up at my grandmas house for christmas, so i didnt. i went back to baton rouge on christmas eve, my wife had moved all of her stuff out of the apartment. i was devestated. i cant explain the loneliness and despair i felt that day when i got to that apartment. i went where i knew i was welcome, the dope spot and spent the last 100 dollars my wife had given me for food on cocaine (i planned on using a needle i stole from my diabetic cousin and injecting as much as i could fit in the needle, i wished for the end), ecstasy, and crack. i wrote a letter to my wife telling her that i was no longer who i used to be, i mentioned that she knew the 'real me' and knew i was once a good person, then i told her if she got that letter not to go into the kitchen, i would be dead on the floor. there was one problem, i couldnt get enough cocaine to kill my sorry ass. so i tried to inject the ecstacy, there was a problem with that too. i had to heat it to a boil to make it thin enough to be drawn by the needle, then inject it while it was still near a boil. not really possible, so i ate the mixture. i guess i got loaded, but i was miserable. i tried to call my wife over and over the next few days and couldnt get her. so on christmas day i spent all day smoking crack and watching my big screen tv, with the power off, looking at the reflection of who may be sneaking up on me from the back bedroom. i was messed up so bad, not loaded, sick. i was in such bad shape that i rationalized going to the bank first thing on the 26th and taking 600 of the 977 dollars out of my wifes money that was in our joint account, i found out later this was her christmas bonus. i should've signed that paper back in june. so now my wife is gone, along with my sanity and will to live. i just got 600 dollars worth of crack and was headed no where fast. something happened after about 500 dollars was gone, i realized what had taken place and i was overwhelmed with sorrow. i realized everything that had taken place and it was real. i sat on the couch rocking back and forth saying out loud, "how did this happen?" i really had no idea how i made it okay in my mind to do what i had done. so i did the only thing i could, i went to the dope spot and got another 100 on front. i got back and then it happened. God did for me what i could not do for myself, i could no longer get high. it was the strangest thing, no matter how much i drank or smoked, i could not turn off my brain, it stopped working. the solution i had known since 1995 no longer worked, it was unbelievable. i let my friend smoke the last of the dope and i got like an hour of sleep. i woke up and lit a blunt i had, it was the last dope i'd ever smoke. i took a pull, crying, asking myself, "how did this happen?" then i had a moment of clarity, i realized it was the weed. it was the stuff that was so harmless and so much fun years ago, that led to this. i realized that it was over, my life as i knew it was over. there was only one thing i could do. i needed help. i got a neighbor to drive me back to trs for my second stay. my counselor asked me what was different this time? i wasnt sure, i knew i was done and had no desire to ever use drugs again. when i checked in i had every intention of going to that 6-8 month halfway house, st chris. miraculously, my parents had the money this time. i think that they finally saw that i was suffering too, i wasnt just acting out. i had cost my family thier daughter-in-law. the woman we loved was filing for divorce and there was absolutely nothing i could do but give it to God. i did step 3, 'made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.' that night i couldnt sleep, i wanted to leave and hunt down this guy dawson, who i was convinced was sleeping with my wife and helped her move out of the apt. i was going to kill him, literally. my life was over and so was his, only his would be taken by a crazed husband with a baseball bat.i tossed and turned in my bed begging God to take the thoughts and any physical and mental cravings i may have and i meant it. i had absolutely no desire or any reservations about ever using drugs or alcohol again. God was my last resort, but he answered immediately. a few days later, i had a peace come over me, like i had never known. that peace is still with me today. i believe that God removed my desire to drink, do drugs, or hurt people that night and it hasnt been back. a few weeks later i moved into st.chris, i was served divorce papers and a restraining order my second week there. that was hard, but i never gave up on God. my hope stayed strong with Him. on valentine's day he delivered a huge sign that he was watching over me. i was riding the bus home from work and i was talking to my friend ben when i saw her. my wife was at a gas station where the bus had stopped to pick someone up, i jumped off and ran to her. i was so scared, i didnt know if shed even speak to me, but she did. we talked and got along as well as we could then, she brought me home and i didnt see or talk to her again for several months. she did see me again and i told her that i was committed to out marriage and wanted to be with her. she told me in a letter that she had to go through with the divorce, for her. so it was a while before i'd see her again, when i finally did, something amazing happened. we got along better than i remember ever getting along. we kissed and talked about trying to see if working it out was something she could do. since then i have graduated the program and have been sober 11 months. i do still talk to my wife, when she calls me. we used to talk everynight and see each other on the weekends, but when i asked for more she told me that i was making her feel guilty. all i wanted to do is spend time with her and all she wanted to do was 'live her life', so i had to respect her decision and back off. she calls sometimes, usually its nice, i think. i dont know what God has in store for either of us, but i still do hope and pray for the restoration of our marriage, if its His will. so i wait patiently on the Lord, i know that He wont do it until i trust Him completely, if its His will.so i now work at st chris, the halfway house where i got sober. i have the chance everyday to make a difference in these peoples lives. its an amazing feeling that is like nothing i've ever experienced. i am truly doing what God has called me to do and it is incredible. if one of my friends heard i was at st chris, they would probably ask what i did now....hard to believe all i did was fill out the application. i wrote a poem to my wife when i was in st chris and i will try to remember it to give you in closing. its called "just a prayer"
your soft lips, loving touch. two of the things, i miss so much.
your proud smile, sweet embrace, i remember them all just in case
the day should come that we reunite, but for now there's just tonight.
not quite alone i sit and pray, that the Lord sees too the glorious day.
we're together again and happy there, but for now its just a prayer.
thank you all so much for reading this story. i hope that i have been able to tell it with tact and reverance to those involved, including myself. like i said these are now things that i cannot change, but they have shaped the useful, loving man i am now. so i regret nothing and am sorry for all of it. if there is someone you know who struggles with addiction, or if you yourself see some similarities, i am willing to help any way that i can. there is allot of power in the words,'help me', or, 'i dont know' in order to recover one must be willing to change 1 thing, everything. i leave you now with the promises of alcoholics anonymous. i have experienced everyone of these things come true in my life and hope that you do too."if we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are halfway through. we will know a new freedom and a new happiness. we will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it.we will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.no matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. that feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. we will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. self-seeking will slip away. our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us. we will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us. we will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. are these extravagant promises? we think not. they are being fulfilled among us, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. they will always materialize if we work for them." thanks for reading. if you think less of me now, alright. if you enjoyed the story, i'm glad. thanks.