what the land of the free? whoever told you that is your enemy

blogging is gonna be on hold for the immediate future, a week or so, to achieve some personal goals, but i will return soon. its a week long goal. know your enemy! rage.

the words you say never seem to live up to the ones inside your head

the lives we make never seem to get us anywhere but dead. the day i tried to live, soundgarden. i really dig this song. cornell can really sing, in my opinion he's one of the best. i have been trying to be a more positive person as far as the way i treat people and the way i speak of people. its required to achieve true happiness. the book i was reading suggests i'm required to 'be impeccable with my word' my words are capable of 'casting spells' on people. i guess the easiest and quickest way i can explain it, is that when i say someone is a, i dont know, liar/asshole/etc., should i be told these same things were said about me, i have a reaction of some sort. chances are, i'll be upset and if i'm forced to take an honest assessment of whether the negative statements about me are true, i will probably get caught up in making unfair judgements about myself based on someone's opinion. the person who says the bad stuff can be sick, tired, in a bad mood, any number of things when they lash out with a statement thats bad. so, the short and long, i guess, is i messed up and i was talking crap about someone i feel wronged me some time ago. it doesnt matter the specifics of how i feel i was wronged, but i feel that way and i'm entitled to that. so, i caught myself running my mouth about this person today and caught myself. my awareness to my negativity is growing. this is a good thing. so, i catch the mistake and made an immediate retraction and spoke that i wished that person well, all the joys and happiness i wish for myself. then i realized, i had sent out a message about a month ago regarding this same individual to the person who told me of the incident where i was wronged. so, i made an attempt to reach out to a family member, by marriage, of mine who is really tight with the guy and left him a message, asking for one of two things, the guy's number, so i can call him, tell him that i said some bad things and apologize for that or so this family member would contact the individual, and inform him of the situation and apologize for me, i'm fine with either one. i hope that i get this done. i believe the fact that i'm doing this is a big step for me to continue on a path of righteousness. i know for sure i've said several negative things about others today, and i think that sucks. the difference today is that i am aware of these things and am able to catch myself, next step, stop saying them before they come out, save us this whole apology step. the apology cant make it right, but it's all i can do at this point. i know this may not seem like a big deal, but to me, during this transitional phase, it is. i'm glad to see a little action on this blog as i haven't really given this web address to many. i have a tendency to divulge a little too much information in the attempt of being open and honest. so, i've told a few people i respect and trust where this information can be found. its almost like a journal, so perhaps, it should be more private. i just feel that through my experiences in the early stages of this attempt to change myself, i may be able to help other people make some similar changes, maybe it'll keep me a little more accountable. no, i dont put everything on here, but when the mood strikes......i guess in the words of another singer i love, one robert nesta marley,"strike the hammer while iron is hot" so thats what i try to do, if something is on my mind that i think can make any sense to anyone else or even to me at a later date, it's worth the time. i mentioned in the other blog that i went to my 07 self for advice on the grieving process, thats a remarkable thing. to realize that i am the best person to consult in an issue i'm struggling with. well, interesting, if not remarkable. it also proves that i'm insane to a degree because this is a very similar time in my life as early 07, dealing with very similar issues that caused very similar heartache and headache, just no paperwork or lawyers this go round. alright, i gotta get this show on the road, work in 30 minutes and this hair is ridiculous. thanks for taking an interest in my thoughts and in me. love you guys. have a nice day. i'm sure i'll post again soon. later.

take time with a wounded hand, cause it likes to heal, i like to steall

i'm half the man i used to be. this is creep by stp. thats exactly how i feel today for several reasons. reason 1. i know i am capable of being a better person and i failed miserably over the last 4 years. reason 2. i have been reading my old blogs i wrote in 07 and i realize how much wiser and happier i was. reason 3. the friend zone. reason 4. the grieving process must begin again. it took me about an hour and a half to find the particular blog where i remembered writing about the 5 stages of grief, but i found it. that takes us to the reasons i'm grateful. reason 1. i went to 07 version of me for the advice of how to deal with this situation reason 2. i'm capable of better. reason 3. the friend zone is better than nothing 4. i have the opportunity to grow, for it is through pain that we learn the most valuable lessons, or we should. some would tell me the lesson to learn is to move the hell on. well, tell that to my heart, cause its having trouble letting go of the fairy tale i thought i was going to live. its not over though. last i checked, i'm drawing breath and as i've quoted before 'every passing second is another chance to turn it all around. so, to save anyone who reads this incoherent rambling i post the time and effort of locating said piece on the 5 stages of grief and 07 me, which is also the present me, i've copied and pasted it below. how i've managed to run off another beautiful, smart, funny, exciting, princess of a woman is ridiculous. i look back and i do beat myself up over it. i've gotten a little reprieve from reading the past blog on the grieving process but i'm still hurting pretty bad. it's one of life's lessons that i obviously forgot or didnt get just right, so she's gone. for now. that sucks. so, i must continue to stand up and tell the world to bring it and lean on my friends and family, and especially need to start relying on god for some divine intervention. i hate crying myself to sleep and dont want to do that anymore, but i'm sure i've caused nights like that for others, so now its my turn. so, bring on the rain, and dear lord, i know i havent talked to you much lately but i am asking now that you help me through this and that you bless me. i need some prayers answered please, but i know i have to ask you first and then believe that you can do it. thanks lord. now, back to the blog, i read earlier in another post that God chuckles when we ask for something cause what he plans on giving us is so much greater. i know this is true, but i'm having trouble really believing it, so church tomorrow. anyways, gotta get to work and get some food on the way, so heres that post on the 5 stages.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

unsealed on a porch, a letter sat

Current mood:complacent

lyrics from the pearl jam song yellow ledbetter. its a really good jam that doesnt have many lyrics, but it gets the point across. its about a family receiving a letter about their son dying in the war, and they dont want to open it to see the news they already know. they dont know whether its a box, casket or a bag, body bag...oh yeah. cool song, not much to it. i guess its like any bad situation, you know what the bad news is, but once you see it in writing or physically see it it becomes real. denial is a pretty amazing defense mechanism. i dont know from a book the stages of denial but i'll wing it for arguments sake, i think that its stages of grief, denial being the first. the human mind will go toward the path of least pain and suffering. when a loss occurs the brain tells us that it is not real, this can't be happening. the mind is so powerful that, as my uncle squeaky says,"we manifest what we believe". this is so true and a remarkable feature of the human condition, i say condition because i believe we are spiritual beings having a human experience. so, because i believe that whole heartedly, to me, it becomes real. we manifest what we believe. the next is anger. we lash out, show our teeth. just like a wounded animal, when we are hurt, even emotionally, we growl and show what we are capable of. this is usually a bad deal, i hurt, so you're coming down with me.now phase three is where it can get really embarrassing. we have come to grips with the loss somewhat and have lashed out, but we still dont feel better. now we bargain or beg. in a relationship we say how willing we are to change and how if you take me back i'll do a,b,c, and d. sometimes we blame ourselves, if i would've done this or not gone there or whatever. this again gets us nowhere usually. then stage 4. we've done all we know how to do and give up in a sense. depression is the next stage.we cry or isolate, whatever we do when sad. these 4 stages can happen over months, years, or minutes. i had an experience this week where i cycled through all four in a matter of minutes. that is not it, stage 5 is acceptance. this part is tricky because of that human element. we are so clever that we can deceive ourselves into phase one all over again and believe we are in the acceptance phase. we manifest what we believe. we tell people how we have accepted things and are moving on, but in actuality we are starting the process over again. all in all, on some level we can accept it and move forward. we may still be sad for a long time, but time will heal all wounds. i have been called the acceptance champion by a friend of mine. most of the time i would agree to that, but on some level that title is on the line everyday. being the fighting champion i am, i try my best to be honest with myself and identify where i am emotionally. normally i can do that, but we all are subject to our brains and their cunning attempts to trick or protect us. spiritual beings having a human experience........hi-ya!!! that was just me signing out with a karate chop so, hi-ya!

she once believed in every story he had to tell

one day she stiffened, took the other side. thats lyrics to nothingman by pearl jam. good song. so, here i sit, trying to regain some creative spark, even if i write this as a diary, even if its only seen by me, thats just fine. the good book says in colossians 3:23 suggests we should play for an audience of one. aim to please the Lord, not man. this seems to be one of my biggest problems. i've spent the majority of my life with a chameleon style approach to life. some call it fake when i behave a certain way around a certain group of people, maybe it is, but thats your opinion and you are entitled to that. i just think i have a very cultured amount of life experiences, that i may share a frame of reference with almost every human being, i dont think thats fake. i think thats a rare skill that i possess and am good at using. enough of that nonsense. so, i got a workout in this am, i've been putting in some wrestling/tumbling exercises with my weights. its a little rough on the body as i'm doing said exercises in grass as opposed to a wrestling ring, but its fun and i still got it. so, now i'm laying here with one of the most important ladies in my life, my cat, writing this blog. i dont have any crazy insight or anything inspirational that i'm willing to say at this point. lets just say that i'm working like crazy to keep my shit together so that i may have an opportunity at success and the things i want out of life. you know, my favorite person in sports/entertainment was grabbing mattresses out of dumpsters two years after graduating from miami trying to play canadian football, with 7 dollars in his pocket, he didnt know what he was going to do, but he knew he'd have better things, that man is the rock. a multi-million dollar athlete/author/entertainer/actor. i have 12 dollars, a roof over my head, a job, a role in a movie monday, and i know i'm destined for better things. so, i need to have the willingness and patience to wait for these things to materialize. as i gain more respect for myself and the people and faces around me change to more positive ones, these blessings will come. i want to say i know that, but i dont. i've been really happy to spend some really great time with someone very special to me, but i do get frustrated and discouraged cause my candyass wants what i want when i want it, but once again, like the rock says,"there is no substitute for hard work. hard work always pays off.' i've been given the advice to play head games to achieve the goal i'm working towards, to use my manipulative skills to get what i want. to me this seems like a crappy thing to do, especially to someone you love. i want my intentions to be clear in this situation. so, i'm not accepting this advice and i'm choosing to show my hand, i think its the way to go. alright, 3pm, time to do a favor for a friend that benefits me cause i get to see her, even for just a moment then  i'll go to a friends house and listen to some albums. perhaps today is a good day for some stevie wonder, songs in the keys of life. if i can take anything from the last few days, between the reading of the book 'the four agreements' and now thinking of the music of stevie wonder, it seems we were put here for one reason, that reason is to love one another. i was clipped by a side view mirror of a suburban last night while crossing a pedestrian crosswalk, he kept going, and so did i. who cares? i'm fine, not hurt. why should i spread more hate when stevie says so clearly that love's in need of love today. so, i try to send mine out. i know i'm rambling at this point and its because i lack mental clarity with my situation right now. my heart hurts and i press on, i get up and tell the world to just bring it and i try my best to put boots to asses in every minute of every day. its not easy and i falter, often. thats not the measure of a man's character though, that measurement, in my opinion, is taken by how many times that person gets up. I'm up, damn it! again.  i'm up and i'm doing all i can do to achieve the dream, the fairy tale life that i'm chasing, and even without cleats, this man can run fast. so, strap it up and kick adversity in the face today, i know i'm doing it as best i can. and to close this out i need to mention that while i declined the head game advice, i will listen to the words of axel rose and realize that i could use just a little patience. i need to focus on the progress that has been made and not the obstacles ahead. obstacles are what we see when we take our eyes off the goal. yesterdays goal was one that would have been impossible even 6 weeks ago, but we did it. with the help of God, good friends, team bring it, and a little old fashioned hard work. we did it. we didnt get everything we wanted, but thats my selfish, self-centered, i want what i want when i want it problem. i am making loads of progress and plan to keep moving forward. so, with all that incoherent babbling said, bring it, on three, ready, break!

today is gonna be the day that they're gonna throw it back to you

by now ya shoulda somehow realized what ya gotta do' thats oasis. perhaps he's right, by now i shouldve somehow realized what i had to do, but i'm still here. i didn't read the last 50-70 something blogs i just transferred from another site, but i'm glad thats done. it took me about 2 hours. why did i do it? i dont know. i guess it gives me the opportunity to see who i was, where i came from, what i was given, what i lost before, and try to apply those lessons to the here and now. i once again went through the great book 'the four agreements' today(go buy this book) and the author, Ruiz, speaks of the angel of death and what we can learn from him. what we can learn is the same motto of team bring it, of which i'm a member. 'there is no tomorrow'. we aren't guaranteed the rest of this blog post much less tomorrow morning. His point was similar to one i thought of the other day, he says that if we live each day like its our last or like its the last day of the people we care about, we should show them and tell them how much we love them. he then elaborates a bit more on an example, if you were to fight with someone who later dies in an accident or something, the guilt would be a heavy burden. so, i picked up the phone and called my mom in hawaii and let them know i loved them, just in case. i had a similar conversation the other day with a  friend of mine and told her that if i were in an accident and was afraid i may die, she'd be the one call i'd make. hmm. think about that for a second. if you knew for sure you were about to die who would you call? whens the last time you talked to them? we tend to get caught up in our busy day to day schedules and forget why we're here. its not to make money, at least not in my opinion. sure money helps to afford the things and luxuries we desire. it makes things a lot easier, but thats not who we are. our jobs are something to do for a few hours out of our day to be able to provide for ourselves and to have some sort of purpose. in most cases, our work is what we do for money, its not our purpose. my goals in the high school football program are the same today as they were then, thats to be a happy, successful, family man. hmm. sure i need decent income to achieve these goals but my job does not define me. what defines me as a man is who i believe i am and who i wish to be. am i happy? sure, at times. if i'm honest, it's not always, but i can work on that from the inside. i believe one's character is truly revealed in his willingness to stand tall in the face of adversity and say, "i can do this" "i can get up again and be whatever i want to be" so, if happiness is the goal, i must do things that make me happy. if i have trouble identifying those things, then i have to work harder to see why that is. why has life driven me away from being the happy little boy i was when i was a child? next goal, successful. how does one measure success? i'd say i'm very successful, others may not see me that way, thats about them, thats a problem they have with themselves. i've done things that no one would ever dare take on. i have experienced lows that have driven men to suicide, jail, or death. i'm still here. that's overcoming adversity, that, in my mind is success. ah, the last goal, family man. well, i dont have a wife or a child yet, but i know that i will when the time is right. define family though. i have siblings i adore and parents that would do anything to look out for my well being and i would for theirs. they are family. i have a beautiful nephew who is also my godchild, what an honor. i have a brother in law that i tell i love every time we speak. is this not what family is? have i not accomplished those goals i set so long ago? perhaps i have, but i want more and because i want more and i am strong willed, these things will come. in god's time. i'm exhausted from making this page, but i wanted to do something constructive with my night and i feel that i have. anyone who comes across this blogpage, feel free to ask me anything, because as of this moment, at 2am on a wednesday morning, my goal is to help someone anyway i can. my goal is to be of maximum service, to smile at the lady at the grocery store who seems sad, to pick up trash that i didnt drop, any little thing i can do, then the 2nd part of that goal, is to expect nothing in return. thats what i feel our purpose is on this planet. like stevie wonder once sang so beautifully 'love's in need of love today. don't delay. send yours in right away. hate's going round breaking many hearts. stop it please before its gone too far' good night everyone. this has been a joy to write to you all and i love each and everyone of you; friends, family, strangers, and enemies alike. lets all take a look at how we can be of service to someone in need and lets try to change ourselves into better human beings and be the children of god that he intended us to be. good night.

puttin my biness in the street

Current mood:creative

so i had a talk with my boy vince. he complimented my writing and suggested i write an auto over time on here, so i will......people who know me, know most of this stuff....for those of you who don't know me you can expect to read lots about drugs, a little about alcohol, a drive-by shooting, some wrestling, and a whole lot of crazy crap i'm neither proud of or happy about. i hope that noone who reads this stuff uses this info the wrong way. i hope that it will be enjoyable and exciting for all. please enjoy the story. it was not an easy time in my life and it still isn't over. i still am, everyday, attempting to 'clear away the wreckage of my past'. these are not all good times and it wasn't all miserable, but it's me. these events have shaped the man i am today and i regret nothing, but am sorry for lots of things. if you read this and think less of me, so what. it's me, take what you want and leave the rest. the one thing i will stress is that it is serious. none of this stuff is made up and allot of it still plagues me today. stay tuned for my story.

my story part 1 growing up - high school

Current mood:creative

i'll start as far back as i can remember. i was the oldest of 3 siblings. i have a little sister, 2 years younger, and a little brother, - 4years. i grew up like most kids i played sports, went to catholic school, had birthday parties at the skate place, and had my own room. i had allot of friends i think. i remember 1 day this girl ginger dared me to kiss my best friend matt on the cheek, so i did. this was in the 2nd grade. from that day until the 7th grade i got picked on. i was called gay and all sorts of stuff, but i had some good friends. i lived in river forest. it was a small subdivision in my home town where 5 or 6 of the guys from my grade also lived. we'd always play guns at my boy chris' house or basketball at tom's or my house. we even started the rffl and had organized football at my house. it was allot of fun. when i got to the 7th grade i got my 1st girlfriend, she thought i was cute enough to overlook all the jokes about me. from this point on dog and robby and some others quit picking on me. me and dog became pretty good friends. then on to high school. as a freshman, i was pretty cocky. i knew girls liked the way i looked and was a decent athlete. football was my sport and deion, my idol. i wore dew rags, did endzone dances(at home, not school-i didnt want to run miles), high-stepped. i thought i was the man. it didnt take long for the seniors to put me in my place. i used to take my mouth peice home after practice to ensure no one put semen or pee or nuts in it. at several practices i put my cleats on to find that there was a torn open ketchup packet in there, wet, red, tomato-smelling socks...awesome. i dealt with it for a long time. once, this guy jonathan made up some story about me liking his girlfriend and started beating my ass at practice. after practice he tried to sneak me from behind and this guy grob saved me. i ended up quitting my sophomore year, i just couldnt take it anymore. i played lots of other sports and was very popular amongst my peers. my junior year came and so did trouble. i had my first toke of weed here. i had gotten drunk on occasion before, but i never felt like this. drinking would always get me really loaded and took my inhibitions away, but weed made me feel like i was in. i excelled at football this year, they even called the nickel package 'prime time d' after my resemblance to deion. pretty cool, right? so really good at sports and voted class favorite the same year i started smoking weed, coincidence? i didnt think so, and smoking was so fun. eventually, i would try acid and mushrooms, psychadelics. they were allot of fun for me and my friends. incredible 'trips' of self-discovery. now to be able to take this stuff we needed to have 6-8 hours of time away from authority figures, we found it. whatever i needed to do to get loaded, i did. i could always manipulate any and all situations from this time in my life, amazing. its no wonder i made it 11 years with no real consequences. none that stuck, anyway. so i was smoking weed almost everyday by my senior year and taking hallucinagens on the weekends. i ran a 4.5 40 yrd dash in my senior year, tied dog for the fastest time. it made me feel good that i was as fast as my former enemy. i also jumped a 38 vert., the highest in school history. i got invited to a combine to showcase my athletecism for college scouts. i had a decent combine, but no bites. so my senior year went well. i was once again class favorite, i could get any girl i liked, and a star on the football team. i was good at everything but class. i remember one day taking acid at lunch and tripping my balls off for 4 hours at school. i was nuts. i got crazy visuals and crazier luck. i didnt have to dress out for pe and had a sub in another class. in religion that day i almost got caught, but was punished by being put standing behind the door to the classroom for the rest of the day, but i made it out of there without incedent. i graduated that may of 97 with my class, stoned out of my mind, high on pot. i decided to go to usl with some friends the following fall and would have my 1st experience out of the nest and free from rules at 17 years old.............................

part 2

Current mood:calm

the year was 97 and i remember the 1st night at the apt in lafayette. i took two friends there and we drank a bunch of mushrooms. me and one of the guys had been drinking shrooms everyday for a few months and the other guy had not. needless to say they took a stronger hold on him. i remember sitting on the floor of that empty apt. feeling as though i had been clued into some insights of the meaning of life. we set there and listened to this cd helter skelter, it was hip hop. i think we listened to the wu-tang clan as well. anyways, if that was a sign of what was to come, i sure didnt pay any attention, or care. so school started and everyone was old enough to go out but me, so i stayed home watched cartoons, smoked weed, listened to music, and played final fantasy 7. my cousin and i hung out allot he was skipping school too. one time he brought some friends over sunny, joe, and joey. well, they brought some valiums and things and i had my first of many experiences with benzo's. i remember joey telling me that sunny wanted to have sex with me. this was a new thing, in high school you had to put in months of work to get some, so i was all in. it turns out that my cousin also had a crush on sunny, i had no idea. it wasnt long before i was sitting on her couch, loaded on valiums, and cuddling with her. all of a sudden 2 huge guys bust in the front door. apparently, sunny had just broken off a 5 year relationship with this guy. he got pissed,threw the keys to the apt. against the wall and left with his friend. i had no idea what was going on so i asked. sunny was dating johnny thibadeaux, the late lsu baseball player, and that was him and blair barbier. what?! so, i thought these guys might come back and they did with most of the starting infeild. danny higgins, doug thompson cws hero from the past year, just to name a few. i thought i was doomed for sure. higgins sat right beside me and asked me who i was, meanwhile, this other guy kody, was yelling at the top of his lungs, whats up bra! trying to get me fired up. they were all at some party and johnny told them what happened. so higgins is in my ear asking questions like he wants to be friends. i was just waiting to get beat down in this apt. so he leans over and in his raspy voice asks "hey bra, you smoke weed?" so of course i had a sac on me, i pulled it out, it was really good buds from back home. danny wanted to smoke so i let him and somehow, he diffused the situation and the guys all left. i never heard anything about it again, but i had a really good story to tell my friends about the encounter with the champs. sunny and i began dating she was 21 i was 17. she had me wrapped. i did everything she said on command. my roommates in lafayette saw it, my other friends saw it, but i was blind to it. she bought weed smoked it with me, gave me pills, hung out with me, and gave me company. i guess it was everything i needed at the time, but eventually the bossing me around stuff got to be too much. the bad outweighed the good and i was through. somewhere in the time we dated, however, i was at a party next door to sunny's with this guy nelson and his roomy snakeman. they had some coc, i never tried it and thought it was time, sunny told me it was a bad idea, but oh well. it was nice, i remember going back over there for like 5 more hits that night. anyways, so ends my days hangin with sunny in baton rouge. and soon my days in lafayette expired too.so i was moving back to laplace to find a job and stay with my folks.

part 3 laplace - the beginning of the driveby

so, i failed miserably at usl and move back home with the folks. i hook up with some old friends who have also found new tricks. i got a job installing floors with a friend of mine. it was a good job for the time. we got up, went to work, got off, drank 40s, smoked, drank more, and eventually got to the pt. where we did blow almost every day. i remember me and my boy going to reserve all the time to get 8 balls and cut it with sheetrock, prescription pills, asprin, whatever would make it big enough to pass. i even cut stuff with sheetrock one night and did it with the guys i sold it to. i was getting to be a pretty sick dude. we'd pick fights all of the time, do blow, and take xanax. by now i had a doctor writing me scripts for 100/month and i was also doing other illegal activities to obtain more of the drug. i saw one friend go to jail and we shut that operation down, but i continued to get my doctors scripts. i was covered on my insurance so i paid next to nothing for them and used them to pay rent at my boys place. during this time i have little recollection of the 2 years that went by. after allot of dumb stuff and not really seeing a way out, i moved. i was going to run away from the problem and go back to school. so i moved into a trailer in pontchatoula la near hammond and went to slu. i did well at school for a while and eventually moved to hammond with a friend of mine. we would move like 3 lbs a week of pot and never really had much trouble. it was at lions way apts., the students choice, well it was certainly my choice. i knew where to get herb, pills, juice, g, acid, anything i wanted really. the only way i was able to keep my grades up is because i had a great roomate. he would get me to go to class, or at least sit on my bed and call me a loser until i'd go. it worked i had a 3.0 for a while. it was fun there, i used to race guys on foot for money, we played basketball, and allot of ncaa '99 on the playstation. this guy beau used to come play b-ball with us allot. he was a really good athlete. one day beau was chillin at the apt. and some guy came looking for him. he knocked and asked if beau was here i said yeah and got beau. when beau got to the door the guy had pulled a .38 on him. beau grabbed the hand with the gun and started punching him. my neighboor got up and went for his gloc. just as he got back the girlfriend had come at beau with a 40 bottle and tried to hit him over the head with it. my neighbor pointed the 45 at her saying"bitch, dont think about it." she screamed dropping the 40 bottle and ran to the car. by this time the boyfriend had dropped the gun and took off as well. we picked up the .38 and called the cops. they came out and took a report. i remember my two neihbors saying that they'd be back, over and over to the cops. they told us not to worry about it. they'd take care of it. i thought it was over too, to be completely honest. to explain: beau had been sleeping with this guys girlfriend and he found out and came to our house looking for him. so we went on with the day just like any other. we sat around listening to the big tymers cd and playing ncaa. i did my normal thing which was get loaded. i smoked a few blunts, drank some beer, and took an ex pill, my first time. as the night wore on i forgot about all the trouble. the police called and told us they had arrested the guy so not to worry, so i didnt. then some shad y cat kept walking back and forth, peering into the apt. for no apparent reason. i got sick of it and went after him. i guess in my mdma haze i failed to see the car down the street with the lights off peel out and come towards us..........................

part 4 driveby - lockdown

so this sketchy guy kept walking back and forth in front of the apartment peering inside. i was just loaded enough to think i had to punch the guy. i took off across the parking lot after him. he jumped into a car and sped into the street. i thought i'd cut him off in front of the lot and get a lick in. then i heard dog yelling,"howard get the fuck down", the car at the end of the street was coming fast towards our driveway and i'm in the middle of the street. i heard dog, stopped and looked at the car for a split second when i started hearing gunfire. the shots rang out as i tried to get some cover. i hauled it around a car, dove on the ground and rolled until i was behind a tire facing our building. i saw the neighbors shooting back, one guy looked like he was playing g.i. joe, jumping up, firing twice, then rolled on the ground and popped up to fire again. the other neighbor was poised in a kneeling position ducked behind one of the support beams waiting patiently for his shot, he had been here before, he let loose 5 or 6 shots in succession. their cousin cory, a 400 pound dude was laid on the ground spread eagle waiting as i was for the shots to cease. soon enough they did, it was a crazy feeling. the first thing i heard was dog ask "howard, are you hit?" i had to check, cause i wasnt sure. none of us got hit and i dont think any of their guys did either. this guy sean was over at our house getting a dime sac when the stuff went down, he had gone into the back bedroom and hid under the bed. i'll never forget him running out of that apt screaming how we were 'bout it'. that isnt the last time i'd see sean. so the guys told me how close i was to being hit as we gathered the 2 pounds from under the dresser and hid it in my car before the police got there. we got the big stuff out and got evicted from lions way as well as any other rental place in the area. they found something like 30 shells in the street. it was the craziest night i ever had up to that point. so i moved in with a friend and continued to sell bud, i got a dwi later that semester as well. i failed out and moved home again where things actually got worse. i got back into the cocaine use in laplace and eventually needed another source besides pawning to pay for it. so i robbed a house, just taking small stuff, and didnt get caught. so i went in again, same house, more stuff. then i decided to go once more and take an accomplice. the same house one last time, the house directly across the street from my parents, and a cop showed up at the back door. i saw him first and told my boy to get down and on 3 we'd book it out of the front door, remember the 4.5 speed. so on 3, we took off. they got my boy first and it wasnt long before they caught me too. it doesnt matter how fast you run, you cant outrun the radios. so they booked me and my boy on simple burglary, i got 3 counts. we were looking at time in hunts pen. 3 years per, but if i was lucky they'd run the charges consecutive, which means 3 years total. i signed a confession and was out on bail by the end of the week. my boy went to the service, i went to court.

part 5 courthouse - whorehouse

so i stood in front of the judge, who had my signed confession, and gave her bedroom eyes, hoping for a lesser sentence. it turns out, the day before my court appearance, my neighbors dropped all charges. what a relief. the only problem is the d.a. had other plans. the state would still press charges and hold me accountable, somewhat. i was sentenced to a diversion program. 2 years random drug testing and meet with a p.o. a few times a month. i lasted like 2 weeks then failed my first drug test. i was told that if it happened again i would be at the mercy of the court.so i went a few months just drinking and smoking weed and had no more randoms, then one day in july my parents scheduled an appt. with a doctor to "see about my depression". i went and so did they. while in the waiting room this guy asked me if i was there for residential treatment, 90 day program. i said no. then i saw gary patterson, the guy who helped my uncle get sober. i knew something was up, but i'd hear gary out, he was a straight shooter. we sat in gary's office mom, dad, myself, and gary and discussed whether or not i had a problem with drugs and alcohol. i knew i didnt, i just did what everyone else my age was doing, experimental drinking and smoking, i hadnt done coc in months. i remember pulling up at the office that day with my s-10 bed full of beer cans and bottles. it was this way from a party a week before, a bunch of people just threw the trash in the bed while we sat out by the truck drinking. likely story, i guess is what gary thought. i was totally against checking in. gary had to break up what was about to be a fist fight between me and my dad. he calmed me down and told me it was just three months. he then picked up the phone and had dave lozano on the line, my p.o.. dave said if i did the 90 days, i will have fulfilled my commitment to the state and will be free. i thought about the options, A.be homeless and still have like 2 years of drug tests or B.just 3 months drug free and back to living life the way i knew how. i took B. i did everything i was supposed to do that 1st month asked questions, took notes, really got wrapped up in it. i was doing a standard treatment ruse called conforming, i do what you want to get what i want and then i'm out. i got my truck back soon and was getting my xanax scripts filled and selling them to my boy for 300 a pop. i remember this guy jason was there, heroin addict, he was a really cool cat. we were roomates for some time and i remember downing a 24 with him once or twice at the gas station. one night jason came in smashed on heroin, it was scary looking. this was the first time i saw someone loaded on h and i thought he might die, so i called gary and ratted him out. the next week i got permission to go to a friends wedding and i took some of my xanax while there. it was nice to be with my friends and feel like that again.i couldnt go home, but my friend john from treatment had just moved and still had power and cable at his old place so he let me stay there. i did until i took all of the xanax, about a week or 2. i was allowed to come back to treatment and was moved back to the 1st phase.when i came back there was a girl there named rae, she was a big breasted blonde, and i was a 19 year old guy in a treatment center for 2 months. she was 31 and as sick as i was she was sicker. she was a stripper. which to me at the time seemed awesome. i had only been to 1 strip club and was pretty naive to the ways of the world up until now. i ended up riding with her to allot of meetings and eventually my instincts got the best of me. it was obvious to all of the clients, they were expressing concern in groups about our alleged relationship. so the heat came down from staff and we were to not be alone together, so we found other ways to see one another, like at 5 in the morning before anyone was awake. this girl was nuts, i was 19, she was a mother of 4 at 31, are you kidding me? i was sick too. we left the treatment center together on my 91st day. she had a lofty apartment off of west esplanade and i lived there for free. the only problem, she didnt drink or smoke, well not weed. she was an iv drug user, a heroin addict. i wanted herb but all she would get was coc and heroin. eventually, when december came i gave in and figured if my parents wouldnt let me come home than what the hell, stick me. i remember the 1st shot like it was yesterday. i started to feel warm and i panicked i thought i was going to die. i got sick and threw up, then wanted more. if i went a day without it i would get sick, puking sick. rae would 'dance' for guys at 'private parties' and come home with several hundred dollars and some heroin or coc for us to shoot. i just sat in bed and watched tv all day. there were several times a guy would come to the house for a 'private dance'. i dont know how i thought she was just dancing for these guys. i guess the combination of the drugs, the need for more, and my young naive mind was all it took. i'm sure she was a master manipulater as well. one day i walked into the bedroom and rae was unconcious, needle in arm. i yelled, slapped her, threw cold water by the buckets on her, shook her and then started to pack my stuff. i grabbed everything with my prints and threw it into a bag and was on the way out when she came to. this scared me so bad that i took her to west jeff and got her back to the treatment center. soon after i called dog and asked him what to do about all of it, he told me to run. grab my stuff and go, so i did. i went home for 2 days all 135 pounds of me. my parents let me stay for a while and then i decided to run again, this time to baton rouge. i found an apartment in tigerland, got a job, met a girl, and enrolled at b.r.c.c. things were looking up.

part 6 busboy - the bartender

Current mood:content

i got a job at copelands on essen and was dating a girl named emily, she was nice enough and very demanding. she helped me stay in line for a while. before long i was out drinking with people from work and having a good time. i was the life of the party for a while. emily didnt care for my new friends and they didnt care for her. it was only a matter of time, and she was gone. i dated a girl from work for a little while, we had fun or whatever, but i wasnt really in love. i eventually got a little weed from the dishwasher at work and was back to my old routine of smoking weed daily. i also had a good friend who was getting juice in the mail, he brought me some aerotest and some test 200 and i began to get my swole on, or at least at this time it felt big to be 185, i was just getting warmed up. one day this guy greg falley, a fry cook at work asked me if i could get him some bud. being the nice guy that i am, and needing to feel important to someone other than myself, i got it for him. he came by and picked it up, it was a half ounce. he left and within the hour my door was kicked in by a small task force. they drew down on me, made me get on the ground, and searched the apt. they found like a nickel bag of weed, 2 bongs, and my juice. it would've been no big deal if it were the weed only, but the juice was a problem. they gave me a hard time and told me my options, one of them involved me scoring them a bag of weed and they'd throw away the juice. i cooperated and got a misdemeanor summons. soon after all of this went down i broke it off with my current girlfriend because a girl at work who was engaged had been broken up with and i was very interested. she was strong, sensitive, smart, funny, and attractive. she was a woman, before this i had only dated girls. this one had her stuff together and i fell in love almost instantly. we dated for a year, mostly made up of me being on juice not mood altering chemicals. i went a few months without even having a drink. the following summer we took a cruise together with some friends and i thought about asking her to marry me. not cause it was the next thing or i was afraid of what may happen if i didnt. i knew it was the right thing because of how much we loved each other, there was nothing we couldnt do together, it was a match made in heaven. so that night at dinner i got so nervous that i couldnt take it anymore. i got out of my chair got on one knee and looked into her beautiful blue eyes and asked,"will you?" she said,"will i what?" i was so nervous, my face was beet red, everyone around was looking, whew. she said yes and 1 year later we were married. june 1st 2002, one of the happiest days of our lives.we took another cruise for our honeymoon and started our lives together. it wasn't long until the substance abuse caught up with me and began to destroy all that was good in my life once more. i wanted to get a real job. i was always intimidated by my wife's superior knowledge and success. i wasn't angry, i just wanted to do my part. i got a job as a car salesman at a toyota dealership and was horrible. between the drug use at work, being called 'green pea', and being made everyone's bitch, i became terribly depressed. i had a melt down at work one day and cried my eyes out, i just couldnt keep it together anymore. i moved back to copelands, it took away allot of that stress i had. i found another way to aleviate the pain too. my brother and some friends started a wrestling organization called the l.b.w., low budget wrestling. i got involved and had a blast. we did shows on sundays in a home made make-shift wrestling ring and had crowds as big as 200 people showing up. i was the bartender, the character started out being the models personal bartender. i'd make hom pink drinks while he cut promos, and i'd help him win matches by cheating. we soon started a tag team called the pipelayers and the lbw had made some noise around the local circuit. joey homegrown, an established indy wrestler and promoter, came to our show and talked to us about his wrestling school. we all went and got to do shows as far away as gulfport and as big a venue as the lamar-dixon expo center main evented by the iron sheik. crazy right? professional wrestlers, getting paid to do what we loved. it was a good time for all of us. i think the alchoholic in me enjoyed being someone else for a little while, having center stage and being noticed was a good feeling. it was similar to being high, i felt like someone else, i didn't have to deal with the pain of being me for a while.

part 7 blackout - dropout

Current mood:disappointed

i remember one night after a show, hanging out at my parents house in laplace. we had a fire out in the feild. we sat around drinking and stuff. one of the guys there had a few tanks of freon. i had huffed it before and knew what to expect. i hit some in the car and remember looking in the pasenger side mirror, i had wiped my face with my hand and for 10 seconds my ears rang from the inhalant and the reflection stayed the exact same although i had since put my hand on my knee. what i'm trying to say is that my vision was frozen with that image for 10 seconds after it actually happened.so on the way home i got the bright idea to take a hit, i did and then i heard a huge thud but it appeared as if i was still on the road but when i came to, my truck had done barrel rolls through some water on side of the interstate. i wasnt able to open the truck door when i came to, so i climbed out of the window, grabbed the tank of freon and tossed it into the woods. some guy pulled up and asked if i was okay, or if i was drunk. i wasnt. the cops came and gave me a field sobriety test, keep in mind i was soaking wet, covered in a sheet, in the middle of february. i passed it and they let me go. the ambulance offered to take me, i said no and waited for my wife. she picked me up and i remembered that i had like 5 xanax bars in a cigarette pack in the truck, so we went to the ihop and killed time until the junk yard opened, then i went there and got my pills, cologne, and other small items to make it appear to my wife that i wasn't looking for drugs, sorry. i took 3 bars right then, i had been up all night and the day before and was exhausted, but felt as if i needed them. i recovered with no serious injuries. within a few months our landlord passed away and his wife told us that we could no longer have the cat, so we moved. we moved to lake calais, it looked like it was an alright place, but it was far from that. i smoked weed with our new neighbor andy the night we moved in and before too long knew where to get it myself as well as xanax. needless to say, it wasn't long before i was messed up almost everyday. i picked up a 12 pack every afternoon on the way home from work, and drank it by myself most days. i never thought i had a problem with drinking though. one day while out back fishing i had stuffed my negative emotions for way to long and they spilled over. i cut my wrist with my fishing knife. it wasnt an attempt on my life, and i wasnt ever a cutter before. somehow i knew that if i cut myself, the pain of the wound would temporarily erase the pain of being chris. it worked. within days, my wife had set up an appt. with a dr. brown in covington, i agreed to go, but i drank a 12 pack on the way. my wife never approved of my behavior, she was an angel. she just knew that if i didnt drink, i wouldnt get help from the doc. and other times if i didn't get drunk i might get cocaine. no one deserves the punishment dished out by a person in active addiction. like i said in the intro, i dont regret these things because they have shaped the faithful, god fearing, christian man i am today, but i am sorry for all of it. as addicts and alcoholics, we dont take partners, we take prisoners. i can never repair the damage done to my lovely wife and it tears me apart most days. i took such a beautiful woman, so eager to give care and love, and tortured her beyond recognition. there are no words to describe the way it feels to remember these events and not be able to take them back. i cant tell you what it feels like to pour out my heart over the phone and have it fall on deaf ears. or what its like to have the person you love most in this world only talk to you once a week if you're lucky. i did this to myself. so, dr. brown sent me home and put me on some meds. i guess it worked for a while, before long i was doing the same stuff again. aa defines insanity as doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. by definition i was truly insane.i decided since i was doing so well, i'd go back to school. so my wife took care of making the money as she always did and i went to hammond. i stayed with my little brother and brother-in-law most nights and missed my wife allot, so i'd go home allot too. by the end of the summer i was doing crystal meth to be able to do all of the school work i needed to do. on my last exam day i crashed hard and thought i was going to die, but i made it and got a 3.0. they say addicts and alchoholics are some of the smartest, most driven people in the world. i enrolled the next semester and was losing my grip on everything. i missed my wife, i wondered what she was doing all the time, and the classes were tough. this is when katrina hit and i had a legitimate excuse to quit and i did.

Part 8 'roommates - right step'

Current mood:blah

i had a friend who was working in new orleans and was relocated here for the clean-up phase of katrina. he was renting pumps for a company here in town and i offered him a place to stay if he wanted it. this guy also had a problem just not to the degree of mine, yet. he could do an 8 ball of cocaine and be alright without it the next day, but he'd need pain pills. he said he could take it or leave it, but come on, people who experiment do it with weed in their first years of college, not with cocaine and prescriptions at 25. thats just my opinion. anyways, when he was staying over we did cocaine or pills everynight, and he treated me so i wasnt complaining. he did have more self control than i did and it became evident when he left for new orleans. i had developed a strong addiction to cocaine again and it wasnt long before i was doing a quarter ounce every 3 or 4 days by myself. i had it stashed in board games in the spare bedroom and would need it to get out of bed in the mornings. i was working an a/c job with a friend of mine and was getting loaded on cocaine throughout the day without him knowing. one morning on my way out to work, i locked my keys in the house and thought it was a good idea to jump onto the balcony from a trash can, i fell from the can, onto my ankle and was hurt pretty bad. then i did what anyone in that situation would do, i stood the can back up and tried again, alcoholics are a determined bunch even when hurt. so i made it up on the second try and got in through the window. weeks later i got my ankle checked out and found out it was a torn ligament and i needed reconstructive surgery. shortly after recieving this news, a friend had wrecked a car and broken his neck. he needed a place to stay and we helped out. i remember him having the nerve to tell me how bad my actions were. he was right, but i was too busy finding his faults. i ended up shooting some cocaine soon after he moved in and had my wife tell the surgery office that i had a family emergency and couldn't go that week. i didn't want them to see the marks on my arms from the 21 gauge needle i used. so we re-scheduled and i had the surgery. over the next two months things went from bad to worse, as my cocaine addiction spun out of control. i knew my wife was miserable, but couldn't stop, so i moved out. i didn't know what else to do, it was killing her. it wasn't long before i asked to come home and she allowed it. then i got worse again and removed myself once more, this time i stayed out for like a week and decided that i had enough. i needed help. i asked a friend one night to bring me to a treatment center 1st thing the next morning, he did. zack got me to the tau center, where i was told that i didnt need to detox and i could go to a residential treatment center the next day. i walked from the lake to copelands, where my wife was working. i asked her if i could stay at home that night and check in the next morning, she agreed. i woke up crying my eyes out that morning, i was mourning the loss of my coping mechanism of the last 10 years of my life and it wasn't easy. to spite all of the sorrow and displeasure i knew that it was time. i checked into the right step treatment center on may 1st 2006.

Part 9 The Right Step - today(nov 14, 07)

Current mood:accomplished

so i checked in, finally. the right step was a 30 day residential treatment program. 4 weeks, i thought i could handle that. it was kinda weird, i was one of the oldest guys there, i didnt really have a rock-bottom story, i wanted to want to get better. i was so good at being dishonest, i convinced myself that i wanted this, and that i had it. i wasn't flat out lying to counselors, i believed what i was saying. there was another client there who thought the counselors were stealing his mail, i chested for him and cursed out a counselor my last week there. it wasnt all bad i made good friends with the guys who worked there and i see them still today.the counselor that i yelled at is my aa sponsor today. crazy, right? so i learned allot about myself, and the ama recognized 'disease' of alcoholism. it is a real 'sickness' and it is fatal. there are new studies that show the reaction of the brain when the addicted sees their drug of choice in a photo. its insane. so i learned lots and thought i had a hold of this thing. my counselors recommended that i go to st chris, a 6-8 month halfway house for chemically dependant males, but they were just punishing me for cursing at that counselor. i refused and my folks said they couldn't afford it anyways. next, they offered me a 30 day scholarship at trs. i could stay another month for free, i refused. my release date was june 1st, my fourth wedding anniversary, this was God's will. what better gift to give my wife on our anniversary than a sober, changed husband. the road to hell is paved with good intentions, my intentions were good. i remember that day, my wife took me home and asked me to sign a paper taking my name off of the bank account, i cried about it. she didn't trust me at all, but she didn't end up getting me to sign it. in the end i would prove her right. we went to celebration station and had a blast, we had fun for a few months after i got out, but it caught up with me again. i remember sitting at this guy johnnie's house for the auburn game. he told me that it was a will power thing and that if i wasn't fooling with drugs i could manage. that was all i needed. that day i had 2 beers, went home and nobody got hurt. the next weekend, same thing, nobody got killed, i didn't do drugs. i must be able to drink. i met up with an old friend soon after that and we did cocaine 2 weeks in a row. before to long i was spending almost every dollar i earned at my uncles resteraunt on crack cocaine and paraphanalia. i was a mess. i smoked probably 500 dollars of crack a week. i was so paranoid all of the time. i carried a golf club around the house just in case someone was in there with me. the person my wife fell in love with was once again m.i.a. this time worse than ever. my wife would go down the street to check her fantasy football stuff at that guys johnnie's house which was right down the street from us. the dope spot was directly between my apt. and johnnies. she would leave, i'd watch her pull in to his driveway, then i haul it to the dope spot, grab a 60 dollar rock, hurry home and start to smoke it. i'd blow the smoke in the refridgerator or freezer so she wouldnt smell it inside. i was too paranoid to blow the smoke outdoors. i did this charade everyday for 3 or 4 weeks. i'd come home late at night from work, go to the back bathroom and cut on the shower. i would sit there and smoke all of the crack i bought that night before i would go and lay in bed and pretend to sleep. i was such an a-hole. i wish i could take it all back, or i wish i could have stopped, but i couldnt. one day i was passed out on the couch in some haze, xanax or something, and my wife woke me up screaming that she was done, i remember now that i asked her if she meant divorce, she said yes and told me to get out. this was december 23rd, she had found a make-shift crack pipe i made with a golf club shaft. i left and tried to figure something out, first stop, where else, the dope spot and grab 100 rock. i smoked it while driving around baton rouge thinking if there was anyone i hadn't screwed over who may take me in. i got nothing. i went to laplace where i ran into my little brother and he told my that my uncle didnt want me to show up at my grandmas house for christmas, so i didnt. i went back to baton rouge on christmas eve, my wife had moved all of her stuff out of the apartment. i was devestated. i cant explain the loneliness and despair i felt that day when i got to that apartment. i went where i knew i was welcome, the dope spot and spent the last 100 dollars my wife had given me for food on cocaine (i planned on using a needle i stole from my diabetic cousin and injecting as much as i could fit in the needle, i wished for the end), ecstasy, and crack. i wrote a letter to my wife telling her that i was no longer who i used to be, i mentioned that she knew the 'real me' and knew i was once a good person, then i told her if she got that letter not to go into the kitchen, i would be dead on the floor. there was one problem, i couldnt get enough cocaine to kill my sorry ass. so i tried to inject the ecstacy, there was a problem with that too. i had to heat it to a boil to make it thin enough to be drawn by the needle, then inject it while it was still near a boil. not really possible, so i ate the mixture. i guess i got loaded, but i was miserable. i tried to call my wife over and over the next few days and couldnt get her. so on christmas day i spent all day smoking crack and watching my big screen tv, with the power off, looking at the reflection of who may be sneaking up on me from the back bedroom. i was messed up so bad, not loaded, sick. i was in such bad shape that i rationalized going to the bank first thing on the 26th and taking 600 of the 977 dollars out of my wifes money that was in our joint account, i found out later this was her christmas bonus. i should've signed that paper back in june. so now my wife is gone, along with my sanity and will to live. i just got 600 dollars worth of crack and was headed no where fast. something happened after about 500 dollars was gone, i realized what had taken place and i was overwhelmed with sorrow. i realized everything that had taken place and it was real. i sat on the couch rocking back and forth saying out loud, "how did this happen?" i really had no idea how i made it okay in my mind to do what i had done. so i did the only thing i could, i went to the dope spot and got another 100 on front. i got back and then it happened. God did for me what i could not do for myself, i could no longer get high. it was the strangest thing, no matter how much i drank or smoked, i could not turn off my brain, it stopped working. the solution i had known since 1995 no longer worked, it was unbelievable. i let my friend smoke the last of the dope and i got like an hour of sleep. i woke up and lit a blunt i had, it was the last dope i'd ever smoke. i took a pull, crying, asking myself, "how did this happen?" then i had a moment of clarity, i realized it was the weed. it was the stuff that was so harmless and so much fun years ago, that led to this. i realized that it was over, my life as i knew it was over. there was only one thing i could do. i needed help. i got a neighbor to drive me back to trs for my second stay. my counselor asked me what was different this time? i wasnt sure, i knew i was done and had no desire to ever use drugs again. when i checked in i had every intention of going to that 6-8 month halfway house, st chris. miraculously, my parents had the money this time. i think that they finally saw that i was suffering too, i wasnt just acting out. i had cost my family thier daughter-in-law. the woman we loved was filing for divorce and there was absolutely nothing i could do but give it to God. i did step 3, 'made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.' that night i couldnt sleep, i wanted to leave and hunt down this guy dawson, who i was convinced was sleeping with my wife and helped her move out of the apt. i was going to kill him, literally. my life was over and so was his, only his would be taken by a crazed husband with a baseball bat.i tossed and turned in my bed begging God to take the thoughts and any physical and mental cravings i may have and i meant it. i had absolutely no desire or any reservations about ever using drugs or alcohol again. God was my last resort, but he answered immediately. a few days later, i had a peace come over me, like i had never known. that peace is still with me today. i believe that God removed my desire to drink, do drugs, or hurt people that night and it hasnt been back. a few weeks later i moved into st.chris, i was served divorce papers and a restraining order my second week there. that was hard, but i never gave up on God. my hope stayed strong with Him. on valentine's day he delivered a huge sign that he was watching over me. i was riding the bus home from work and i was talking to my friend ben when i saw her. my wife was at a gas station where the bus had stopped to pick someone up, i jumped off and ran to her. i was so scared, i didnt know if shed even speak to me, but she did. we talked and got along as well as we could then, she brought me home and i didnt see or talk to her again for several months. she did see me again and i told her that i was committed to out marriage and wanted to be with her. she told me in a letter that she had to go through with the divorce, for her. so it was a while before i'd see her again, when i finally did, something amazing happened. we got along better than i remember ever getting along. we kissed and talked about trying to see if working it out was something she could do. since then i have graduated the program and have been sober 11 months. i do still talk to my wife, when she calls me. we used to talk everynight and see each other on the weekends, but when i asked for more she told me that i was making her feel guilty. all i wanted to do is spend time with her and all she wanted to do was 'live her life', so i had to respect her decision and back off. she calls sometimes, usually its nice, i think. i dont know what God has in store for either of us, but i still do hope and pray for the restoration of our marriage, if its His will. so i wait patiently on the Lord, i know that He wont do it until i trust Him completely, if its His will.so i now work at st chris, the halfway house where i got sober. i have the chance everyday to make a difference in these peoples lives. its an amazing feeling that is like nothing i've ever experienced. i am truly doing what God has called me to do and it is incredible. if one of my friends heard i was at st chris, they would probably ask what i did now....hard to believe all i did was fill out the application. i wrote a poem to my wife when i was in st chris and i will try to remember it to give you in closing. its called "just a prayer"
your soft lips, loving touch. two of the things, i miss so much.
your proud smile, sweet embrace, i remember them all just in case
the day should come that we reunite, but for now there's just tonight.
not quite alone i sit and pray, that the Lord sees too the glorious day.
we're together again and happy there, but for now its just a prayer.
thank you all so much for reading this story. i hope that i have been able to tell it with tact and reverance to those involved, including myself. like i said these are now things that i cannot change, but they have shaped the useful, loving man i am now. so i regret nothing and am sorry for all of it. if there is someone you know who struggles with addiction, or if you yourself see some similarities, i am willing to help any way that i can. there is allot of power in the words,'help me', or, 'i dont know' in order to recover one must be willing to change 1 thing, everything. i leave you now with the promises of alcoholics anonymous. i have experienced everyone of these things come true in my life and hope that you do too."if we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are halfway through. we will know a new freedom and a new happiness. we will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it.we will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.no matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. that feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. we will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. self-seeking will slip away. our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us. we will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us. we will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. are these extravagant promises? we think not. they are being fulfilled among us, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. they will always materialize if we work for them." thanks for reading. if you think less of me now, alright. if you enjoyed the story, i'm glad. thanks.

lighten the load

Current mood:calm

yeah, that story telling was pretty tough. i got everything i can remember out there though, so now there will be nothing to hide again, ever. well, if i dont do anything else stupid. it feels pretty good to have it be over. so the new job at st chris is pretty awesome. i do feel super useful. i get to role model for people, just seeing me there gives the new guys hope and assurance that this thing works and its not that hard. a guy i lived with graduated the program tonight and we talked about how many people had left treatment while we were there. 8 of us have graduated and 35 left treatment. one of the graduates has gone back out and the rest of us are still sober, wow. it takes allot to finish st.chris, we are a rare breed. thats crazy. well anyhow, i hope everyone who read the story was able to take something positive from it. my wife read it, and saw lots of stuff she didnt know, but like i said, everythings in the open now and i have nothing to hide. that should help the reconciliation process, i hope. if there is anything that she has hidden, i told her to chalk it up as being my fault and we move forward from here. i'd rather not know. if there is anything, i have forgiven her, i dont need to know about the details. and if theres not anything, i have forgiven her, so she can forgive herself. time to turn the page, as they say. you do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around........thats what its all about. hold up, i was just joking there, but something occured to me. that kinda is what i did, a bunch of nonsense, and turned it around, thats what its about......then i thought of another childrens song, row your boat. thats kinda true too, isnt it? row gently, merrily...life is but a dream...i dont know thats probably stupid, what do i know?i do know this. the rock has that donnie darko movie coming out and i plan on seeing it, timberlakes in it too...awesome. so hey, you wanna go when you get back? yeah you, let me know. anyways, thanks for reading my crazy thoughts of this evening. i'll be here all week.

just another manic monday

Current mood:content

i dont know why i have the bangles on the brain. i was looking for eternal flame the other day and went to their myspace page, the chick with the brown hair is smoking dude, shes gotta be like 50 years old, i dont know. so i went to this meeting on friday night with my boy nick who gets sick of me on a daily basis. on the ride he told me he thought i was crazy, i am, but good crazy. i'm a pretty happy and positive dude these days, its nice being me. i was doing the old new kids dance with the fist push thing, the sprinkler, and all this other crazy stuff on the ride. nick thinks im nuts, i guess i am different, but i remember this other time i put a name tag in my mouth, some mardi gras beads on, and grabbed a hurricane glass, and did my lil john snap ya fingas impersonation while at a red light. i always have been this way, hopefully that wont go away. i dont know i certainly do like being this way though, all my friends at the halfway house ask me how long it took for me to be happy, what? how i always stay so positive, what? are we talking about the same guy......i do have a meltdown about once a week. its always over the same thing, i expect something to happen, and it doesnt. the same thing everyweek. its almost like i torture myself. if i dont get the phone call by midweek, i panic. who has she met, what have i done? and all that same old crap, when in reality nothing has changed. at least that i know of. so i have no facts to go on, so my crazy brain likes to speculate all of these possible scenarios, and for what? i end up calling, which i'm not supposed to do and then if i dont get an answer i flip out worse. i'm getting to be like that guy mikey on swingers, i'm so money and i dont even know it. i think mikey really was crazy though. my friends tell me thats how im gonna be, well maybe so, but thats my business. i'm not sulking, i'm insanely optimistic. i guess knowing that i am doing my part and am enjoying sobriety is comforting. God is comforting. without God in my life, i am probably, nevermind, God is in my life so "i dont have to see the man i've been rising up in me again" that is pretty awesome. i no longer have to be run by instincts and self-will anymore, i have a choice these days and its alright being me. later

tuesday at halfway

Current mood:thankful

well the house is empty this morning, i had to bring 1 client to the dentist, but aside from that its just me here. its still really strange that i'm sitting in this office when just 4 months ago me being in here without staff was grounds for discharge. i guess it'll take some time to get used to. i talked to the guy in charge of hiring at t.r.s., a 30 day residential treatment program, and he said that they were willing to get the ball rolling and get me some shifts over there as soon as i put in the paperwork, awesome. God is good. its amazing how easily things happen when its His will not mine. i want to work at these treatment places too, but thats because He has put that desire on my heart. it is truly incredible. so, i was riding to gonzales last night and that celine dion song, thats the way it is, came on. now normally, i crank it up and sing along, but this time i heard what she was saying and it hit me between the eyes. this chick celine dion really puts it down, she is a real g, who is bout it bout it. i had been kinda struggling with the whole marriage thing and really started to doubt whether or not God was going to ever restore my marriage and chick says,"dont give up on your faith, love comes to those who believe it and thats the way it is." what?!?!? did celine dion really just drop the mad notes on my ass, she did son. how in the hell did this happen? anyways, i'm not exactly going out to buy her cd(i already have 2 copies at home) , but she really put me in check. i feel rejuvenated now, and once again really optimistic, not over what she said, but because of what God can do. Rom 8:28 "all things work together for the good of those who love God and those called according to his purpose." and then in verse 31 "what shall we say then to these things? if God is for us, who can be against us?" so i'm right back on track with my faith and with my love of God just like that. i do kinda feel like the guy brian on snl. you know the denise show....yeah, my page is kinda like a modern day denise show, starring me instead of brian....dude has a celine dion quote, daughtry talking about its not over, pictures....maybe i am going crazy. better crazy than loaded. hope everyone has a happy thanksgiving, this year feels weird to me, but i do have allot to be thankful for. holidays though, just puts emphasis on family and mine is currently incomplete. oh well, "if this is what it takes to praise you, then Jesus bring the rain". later

i'm all out of love, i'm so lost without you

you ever see that sketch with will ferrell and chris kattan doing air supply? its really funny. i tried to find it on you tube to no avail. anyways its air supply unplugged, singing thier "hits". they perform a song called holiday love, its a thanksgiving song with such lyrics as, "its thanksgiving time, i like your new blazer, sleeves are pushed up. it looks pretty awesome" to the tune of air supply's all out of love. pretty funny stuff and then they tongue kiss, awesome. so i got manipulated by my first client this morning and it felt pretty crappy. i know what it looks like, i just figured dude to be telling the truth. oh well, you live, you learn in the words of alanis morrisette. so happy thanksgiving to everyone. be safe in your travels, st.christopher is the patron saint of traveling. do remember what the holiday is all about, no i'm not talking about systematic elimination of native americans to gain land, no no no, to look at what we have and to be thankful for it. God has blessed each and everyone of us with people who love us unconditionally. i value relationships and friends more than anything in this world. i'd rather make 12k and have 1 good friend, than 60g's and not have one true friend. not aquaintances, friends. you know them if you've got 'em. be thankful for them. be thankful for your spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend, you never know how long they will be around to celebrate with you. enjoy your parents and grandparents for the same reasons. guys tell your mother, grandmother, and wife/girl how beautiful they look tomorrow, that never gets old. more importantly tell them that you love them, not just in a hello or goodbye kinda way, really let them know. carpe diem, or as my boy the rock says there is no tomorrow. live for the moment. not in the crazy way i used to understand that saying, but feel it and cherish the now because its not here long. blink and you could miss some of the greatest gifts God has given us. i dont know this from experience, but i am pretty sure when someone is on thier death bed, they dont ask to see trophys or plaques or thier car, they want to see the people they love most in this world. if there is anyone you have wronged or someone who has wronged you, i would encourage you to take this time, this moment, and forgive them. let it go, what are you holding on to that crap for anyways. even Jesus taught that if there was someone you have wronged, you should leave church and make it right with that person, then get right with God. hmm, is there anyone you've been harboring a resentment against that you probably should let go of? do it dude, take a risk, see what your missing out on. there is no better time than now to right the wrongs of our past, even if it was someone else who wronged us. put yourself in thier shoes, walk a mile in those, what did they have to endure that they were put in that situation. maybe nothing, who knows. i get to choose, do i want to live in a world of peace or a world of hostility? do i want to be 45 years old, raising some child from a relationship i never wanted to be in, asking myself what if? i said there is no better time than now, i realize that there is NO time but now, we are gauranteed nothing more than the here and now. you ever see that movie vanilla sky? that chick penelope cruz says it just right,"every passing moment is another chance to turn it all around", yep. take it from penelope, she knows. i hope that somewhere in my random thoughts or rambling i made sense. i know there is at least one person who will read this and may consider forgiveness. i hope that you do. i hope that everyone has a good thanksgiving, i know i will. i have lots to be thankful for. and shout out to my old high school classmate who subscribed to this blog, it means allot to me that you care what i think. thank you God for another day sober, another day here, all my friends, all of my family, your forgiveness and grace, and all of the other wonderful blessings you have given us and continue to give us on a second to second basis.you know they say God chuckles when we ask Him for things, not because he doesn't want to give us the things we ask for, but because of how much greater the blessings are that He intends to give us. happy thanksgiving to you and yours from me and mine...later

thank you. may i have another?

Current mood:content

hey. has anyone ever seen a hollister store? i don't know if its a store or if they sell shirts elsewhere, but i need to know. if someone knows of a place where i can get one, please let me know asap. i need to go in and see if the biggest shirt they sell is medium. i am seriously about to give one of these guys a beating. really man, if you wanna look like you have big arms grow some, dont shop in the childrens department. jeez, i feel like i am the only one who is aggravated by this foolishness. i always see this one guy jonathan and it never fails, hes in one of these ridiculous 'fabulous' hats and an extra medium hollister shirt, wtf? dude has to weigh the same as me if not more. of course, he's not quite the specimen i am at my new lowered weight of 185 post-op. his 185 comes with probably 17-23 percent jiggle, he's not fat, but hes not fit. so, the sleeve stitch runs like right over where the trap meets the collar bone, not cool. i dont think it is, but i'm also 28 years old next month, maybe this is one of those things where i am clinging to 1995 and want eddie vedder to still rock the long hair and not be selling guitars at some music shop, writing weak hits for reign over me. maybe i still live in a world where rage against the machine hasnt put out that battle of los angeles cd and the stone temple pilots are debating what to do after the purple cd, well there were some good tunes after that but nothing to write home about. maybe i am so nastalgic, that lane staley still seems alive to me and michael jordan is still the best player in the nba, vinny testeverde is.....nevermind. i do still want to see my 90's people do the things i saw them do 10 years ago with the same bliss and perfection that they did it in back then. maybe its not so much their execution as it is my perception. i am getting to that stage in my life where rap music is ridiculous, church is awesome, and my idea of fun on a saturday night is renting a movie and sitting with my wife on the couch, talking about whatever. the thing about that is, she's not around yet for that. all that stuff about dont know what you got til its gone is true, so true. i guess so is that business about what goes around comes around, two wrongs dont make a right and all that. but that beyonce garbage about,"i can have another you in a minute, and in fact he'll be here in a minute", horsecrap! there is absolutely no replacing the love of your life, oh i'm quite sure i can have someone here in a minute, but it would only be a minute before i'd want the idiot out of my sight. God has done that for me for whatever reason, he has made it clear to me, or i have made it clear to myself that true love is forever and i had it, therefore i still have it. someone saw my wedding band on yesterday and asked me,"what are you still married to?" i said to my wife. he said where is she? are you sure you're not married to the idea of having a wife? whatever. the word of God says that if i ask for anything in prayer and believe it to be done, it already is. its just that sometimes God has such a mess to clean up on account of our sin and wrecklessness that it takes a long time for him to complete a work in someone. i dont know where this is going, nowhere good.......hope everyone had a happy thanksgiving, mine was good, but i miss my wife. much love to my peeps, later.....oh yeah, check the stitch at the top of your sleeve, where is it? is it up on your shoulder? you may be one of these a-holes i was talking about. is your shirt a hollister? ouch, if you are man, take it off. just go shirtless. heres a free pointer, if your ashamed to show off your upper body, then you probably dont have arms worth showing off either. ps when you tell people what size you wear, for christmas presents and stuff, go with at least a large, alright? later

tragic kingdom

so like the rock used to say,"finally....." the time has come. the best running back ever will make his triumphant return on monday night vs. the pittsburgh steelers. the dolphins haven't won a game yet this year, guess what....yep, i think ricky delivers the w. even though he's been out of football since 2005 he has gotten most of the 1st team snaps in practice. dude is good. hope if you play fantasy you thought to give him a shot. anyways, i hope ricky does well, maybe he really quit for good this time too. i guess that remains to be seen for both of us, the proof is in the pudding. and pudding ive got 500 dollars worth of. i cook then i chill. barry and lavonne were the best. so thanksgiving is gone and christmas is fast approaching. the things i want santa cant deliver, nor can any other human being.....i guess one person could, but its not looking good for the home team. i have my birthday coming up in a little over 2 weeks, it'll be the first sober b-day since i was like 16, crazy

the art of self deception

Current mood:anxious

many people have a skill, specific to them. eddie vedder can sing, michael jordan can hoop, jj redick can shoot, and i can lie to myself. yesterday was the latest revelation of my self-deception skills and how amazingly skilled i am in that department. i had 'the talk' with my wife or ex-wife, i need to start writing it, maybe then it will appear real to me. yeah, i thought she was holding the divorce papers and was reconsidering the whole idea. i was wrong. i am such an idiot. she told me that she had to go through with the divorce a long time ago and i heard her, but then the papers were never brought to me so, i figured she had a change of heart. well, that is not what happened. apparently, due to some setback at the attorneys office, my ex-wife hasnt gotten the papers yet. so as she put it,"it may be official, miesch again.". people always tell each other this wont happen to us or we'll always be together or some variation of that monkey crap. believe me i had a better woman than most guys ever dream of having, and if she can call it quits than i see why the statistics are the way they are today. just another number, how about it? well, i know this guy john w(i'm doing it right now s-d) who is in aa. his wife left him and took the house and the baby, he punched her in the face and shot the house up with a .45. they got re-married on their wedding anniversary around the time that john was 3 or 4 years sober, so it could happen. i think it will probably take her having kids with some other man for me to accept it and even then i dont know that i will. i am crazy about her and have her up on this pedestal. its like these other girls dont have a prayer. my counselor used to compare me to a ferrari and myka's other man in her life as a geo prism(which she used to have by the way), the ferrari looks really good right now, but she's seen it in the ditch and knows what that looks like too. so the prism becomes pretty nice when you think about it that way. anyways, i hope that she wont settle for any prism or hyundai or whatever. i am pretty confident that we were in love, the real thing, and no matter what happens that wont go away, so hopefully time will heal some wounds for us both, because as much as she doesn't trust me, i feel betrayed, abandoned, and decieved as well. oh well, what can you do? i pray that it all works out and I know that God can restore it, so I wait, patiently as possible and watch the miracle unfold. dude, if i didnt rely so much on God, i would be off a bridge by now. ah, the art of self-deception. its like you said shannon, sometimes its easier to believe a lie than it is to know the truth. ricky in 2 and a half hours son....ps i will be working at the manship y on wednesday mornings again....peace

unsealed on a porch, a letter sat

Current mood:complacent

lyrics from the pearl jam song yellow ledbetter. its a really good jam that doesnt have many lyrics, but it gets the point across. its about a family recieving a letter about their son dying in the war, and they dont want to open it to see the news they already know. they dont know whether its a box, casket or a bag, body bag...oh yeah. cool song, not much to it. i guess its like any bad situation, you know what the bad news is, but once you see it in writing or physically see it it becomes real. denial is a pretty amazing defense mechanism. i dont know from a book the stages of denial but i'll wing it for arguments sake, i think that its stages of grief, denial being the first. the human mind will go toward the path of least pain and suffering. when a loss occurs the brain tells us that it is not real, this can't be happening. the mind is so powerful that, as my uncle squeaky says,"we manifest what we believe". this is so true and a remarkable feature of the human condition, i say condition because i believe we are spiritual beings having a human experience. so, because i believe that whole heartedly, to me, it becomes real. we manifest what we believe. the next is anger. we lash out, show our teeth. just like a wounded animal, when we are hurt, even emotionally, we growl and show what we are capable of. this is usually a bad deal, i hurt, so you're coming down with me.now phase three is where it can get really embarrassing. we have come to grips with the loss somewhat and have lashed out, but we still dont feel better. now we bargain or beg. in a relationship we say how willing we are to change and how if you take me back i'll do a,b,c, and d. sometimes we blame ourselves, if i would've done this or not gone there or whatever. this again gets us nowhere usually. then stage 4. we've done all we know how to do and give up in a sense. depression is the next stage.we cry or isolate, whatever we do when sad. these 4 stages can happen over months, years, or minutes. i had an experience this week where i cycled through all four in a matter of minutes. that is not it, stage 5 is acceptance. this part is tricky because of that human element. we are so clever that we can decieve ourselves into phase one all over again and believe we are in the acceptance phase. we manifest what we believe. we tell people how we have accepted things and are moving on, but in actuality we are starting the process over again. all in all, on some level we can accept it and move forward. we may still be sad for a long time, but time will heal all wounds. i have been called the acceptance champion by a friend of mine. most of the time i would agree to that, but on some level that title is on the line everyday. being the fighting champion i am, i try my best to be honest with myself and identify where i am emotionally. normally i can do that, but we all are subject to our brains and their cunning attempts to trick or protect us. spiritual beings having a human experience........hi-ya!!! that was just me signing out with a karate chop so, hi-ya!

dont watch my girl poopoo

so yesterday was visitation at the new job. addicts get to visit thier families and significant others. well, this one guy snuck into the bathroom with his fiance. we didnt notice until after they were in there for a few minutes. when i walked up to the door i heard the water cut on, so i waited near the door. out comes the client asking what i was doing. i told him i was just chilling, what was he up to. he told me, get this,"my fiance's in there taking a shit." really dude? really? do you think i am that stupid? alright first, we know whats on your mind, this isnt drug addict stuff, its man stuff. secondly, what were you doing in there watching your fiance poo? i have had some pretty serious relationships including a marriage and i dont ever recall her needing me to monitor a number 2. i could be wrong here, maybe some people are really that much in love or that troubled to watch one another deuteronomy up close, i just never considered it. so, guy will have to talk to his counselor about it, that should make for a good group. anyways, the new job is allot of fun and i think its a good fit for me. i am also invited to the christmas party, hold the phone. i, me, howard, invited to a substance abuse clinic's christmas party, as an employee. it still seems crazy to me that they invite me and trust me with all this responsibility. they dont in the least bit suspect that i'll show up loaded. how the tables have turned, me on a treatment team, God is good.
ps i didnt know how to spell fiance or fiancee for the girl...oh well

big hands i know you're the one

so, we find out within the next hour whether or not the lsu tigers will play for the national title. we certainly don't deserve to be there, but who does really? anyways, i work an overnight shift at trs tomorrow. that sucks. i dont think i've been up all night since, well you know. my weight is back up around 185 lbs. with no leg work. my aunt told me i looked skinny at thanksgiving, so hopefully by christmas i'll be a little heavier. i am eating mad ben and jerry's and everything else i can afford to eat. i think the saints just lost, oh well. i will be done training at trs on tuesday morning and i'll work shifts alone with the guys in the treatment center. it feels good to be doing a job that i like and where i can say something that could change someone's life. its a cool gig. i am thankful for all the wonderful things that have been put in my life as part of this restoration process. i have a great job that i love, my parents like me again, i don't have to duck anyone, i have great relationships with many friends, i have a relationship with my wife, i have my cat, lots of stuff......i am in a work environment where i am trusted to watch 10-20 drug addicts and report thier negative or positive behavior, and am qualified to do so. who better to give counsel than someone who was there and found his way out of it? i'll be making one year of sobriety this month on the week of christmas and will be picking up a chip on the 2nd or 3rd of january after the holidays. if you wanna see it go down, let me know. i will probably go out to celebrate somewhere that night, nothing special really, just dinner somewhere. i also have my real birthday this month and hope to find something to do. anyone with an idea of something to do let me know. i dont even know how to celebrate a birthday. i always got loaded, the 18th of december was just another day where i didnt have to have an excuse of why i was so loaded. its time for the bcs show, so i am out. GO TIGERS!!!!!

at home, drawing pictures, of mountain tops with him on top

so, i got a friend request today from this girl i know from high school. that is no big deal. i just got to thinking, if one hasnt seen me in 10 years or read my profile, but just glanced at it, i look pretty ridiculous. for the people who know me, you know me, and you realize that the sixpense none the richer song kiss me on my profile page is a joke of some sort. it was meant to be funny. i got to thinking, i havent seen that girl in 10 years and she hasnt seen me, if she just stumbled on to my page not reading on there where it says that one of my favorite things to do is have the weakest song ever, what does she think? have you seen my page? its normal, kinda, thundercats, lebowski stuff, then my music hits, kiss me, by sixpense none the richer, wow! people who dont know me must think i am either gay or just really strange, oh well. i may be a little of both.....not really, but i do think its pretty funny that when friends of mine hear weak music on the radio, they think how much i'd love to have it on my page. i think i'm a pretty funny, likeable(if thats how its spelled)guy these days. that girl from high school said she remembered that i was always so funny, thats pretty cool. i retained some of my charm through all the hardship, at least my sense of humor. hey, lsu is in, wow! if anyone is willing to buy me a ticket i think they are going for like a thousand dollars, so, just let me know. cause i'll go, i will, just ask me, i will go, i'll do that for you, so.........yeah, i will go with you if you want.
haha later

everything i'm sayin you can dismiss because i sat alone on this past christmas

311 lyrics, i deserved to be alone but i guess i should've come home. hey dont break the mold kid, just eat around it. yeah thats what i did.....last christmas is one i will remember for as long as i live. that week was the worst experience of my life as well as the best thing that ever happened to me. it was so terrible, so horrible that i could have a total transformation. i could have a perception shift. there is a book i read called, addictive thinking by abraham twerski. in this book he talks about a rock bottom experience and what it is. what happens is an addict veiws using as being less painful than living everyday life without drugs. this is a very real thing, as i have written in the past,"we manifest what we believe".so, as long as the addict veiws life as being more difficult or painful without drugs, they will continue to use. when one hits "bottom", the pain of the consequences of using is now greater than the benefit of the drug use. until this happens, recovery is not possible. i go to meetings and am active in the recovery community. there is talk of "raising the bottom", or getting people to wise up before they go through the pain most of us have experienced. i think that this is a bunch of bull crap. its been my experience that one must suffer the worst possible scenario that they can imagine happening. for me, my wife left....this wasn't enough though. i had to do more damage. i stole her money out of the bank account and made it to where she wouldn't even speak to me, then i had to see my cat's food dish near empty, knowing i had no way of filling it back up. yeah, i remember sitting on the couch on december 27th, when it all became real, when i realized that she was really gone and i wouldn't be waking up from this nightmare because the nightmare was my real world.i remember that i couldn't get loaded that day. i tried, believe me. i drank and smoked and swallowed and sniffed everything i could get my hands on, but the guilt of everything would not go away. this was me hitting rock bottom, having a moment of clarity. i asked myself over and over again "how did this happen". i knew it was over when i looked at the weed i was smoking and realized 'this, this is how it happened' i flushed the rest of the weed, it wasnt much, and got my butt to a treatment center. since then, i can still draw on the pain of that day, i can feel tears welling as i write about it, as i take myself back to that day, i get disgusted. i dont know how it happened. it was so fast and so powerful. addicts have to defend the first drink or smoke, because once we ingest the brain reacts. it may not be the day of the first drink, it may not be the first month after, but the chain of events has started once the substance enters the body of someone like me. it is compared to a physical allergy and called an obsession of the mind. once the first drink is in, the phenomenon of craving starts. twerski compared it to a man who was hypnotized to put a chair on a desk where he was with the hypnotist. the man left the appointment, but came running back in minutes later and......you guessed it, put the chair on the desk. the big book of aa is where it is called an obsession. thats what it is. obsession is defined by websters as,"a persistent disturbing preoccupation with an often unreasonable idea or feeling". its a persistent, disturbing preoccupation, wow! i just looked it up and pasted it, i am only now reading it and am in total agreement that that is what its like. its like throughout your day all you do is think about that feeling. i couldnt wait to get off of work to get a drink, everyday, i was crazy. i cant really convey it to those who aren't alcoholic, but thats what its like. i guess if you had a huge test or something, i dont know if thats the right comparison. maybe, if you are driving with the gas tank on e and you know that you are running on fumes and could run out of gas any second and there is no exit for the next 30 miles. yeah, thats it exactly, you would worry and worry about it until you got to that exit. and when you get to the exit, you get some gas, by any means neccesary. same thing, the addict is waiting all day for that first chance to get off the road and fuel up for the rest of the trip. it may not seem like that is realistic, but that is how it is. we will worry and conjure up ideas of where to go or who to call to get that need met until its met. the second part of the definition says that its often unreasonable idea or feeling, yep. it certainly is that to the normal person. the alcoholic is sick, we have a disease, and if untreated it is a fatal one. there is a ton of misunderstanding and resentment that goes along with alcoholism. i wish i could change the things i have done. i wish that i could say that because i was sick and am sick that the things i did are excuseable. they are not and the fact that this is a disease will not make those things any less painful to those involved, but it does explain the behavior. i think that i am slowly mending relationships with all of the people i treated badly, its a life long process. i no longer am setting up hurdles in my path these days so the run is allot smoother. i do wish that i could reach some of the people i used to run with and help them to see, but as i said in the beginning, they too will have to suffer enough. so christmas this year should be nothing like that hell i was in last year, thats a good feeling. when you're on the devils starting line up for so long, sooner or later you find yourself at bat in a home game, if you know what i mean. it feels really good to be on the other side. much love to my people from earth, you guys keep it real fa show.