i'm all out of love, i'm so lost without you

you ever see that sketch with will ferrell and chris kattan doing air supply? its really funny. i tried to find it on you tube to no avail. anyways its air supply unplugged, singing thier "hits". they perform a song called holiday love, its a thanksgiving song with such lyrics as, "its thanksgiving time, i like your new blazer, sleeves are pushed up. it looks pretty awesome" to the tune of air supply's all out of love. pretty funny stuff and then they tongue kiss, awesome. so i got manipulated by my first client this morning and it felt pretty crappy. i know what it looks like, i just figured dude to be telling the truth. oh well, you live, you learn in the words of alanis morrisette. so happy thanksgiving to everyone. be safe in your travels, st.christopher is the patron saint of traveling. do remember what the holiday is all about, no i'm not talking about systematic elimination of native americans to gain land, no no no, to look at what we have and to be thankful for it. God has blessed each and everyone of us with people who love us unconditionally. i value relationships and friends more than anything in this world. i'd rather make 12k and have 1 good friend, than 60g's and not have one true friend. not aquaintances, friends. you know them if you've got 'em. be thankful for them. be thankful for your spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend, you never know how long they will be around to celebrate with you. enjoy your parents and grandparents for the same reasons. guys tell your mother, grandmother, and wife/girl how beautiful they look tomorrow, that never gets old. more importantly tell them that you love them, not just in a hello or goodbye kinda way, really let them know. carpe diem, or as my boy the rock says there is no tomorrow. live for the moment. not in the crazy way i used to understand that saying, but feel it and cherish the now because its not here long. blink and you could miss some of the greatest gifts God has given us. i dont know this from experience, but i am pretty sure when someone is on thier death bed, they dont ask to see trophys or plaques or thier car, they want to see the people they love most in this world. if there is anyone you have wronged or someone who has wronged you, i would encourage you to take this time, this moment, and forgive them. let it go, what are you holding on to that crap for anyways. even Jesus taught that if there was someone you have wronged, you should leave church and make it right with that person, then get right with God. hmm, is there anyone you've been harboring a resentment against that you probably should let go of? do it dude, take a risk, see what your missing out on. there is no better time than now to right the wrongs of our past, even if it was someone else who wronged us. put yourself in thier shoes, walk a mile in those, what did they have to endure that they were put in that situation. maybe nothing, who knows. i get to choose, do i want to live in a world of peace or a world of hostility? do i want to be 45 years old, raising some child from a relationship i never wanted to be in, asking myself what if? i said there is no better time than now, i realize that there is NO time but now, we are gauranteed nothing more than the here and now. you ever see that movie vanilla sky? that chick penelope cruz says it just right,"every passing moment is another chance to turn it all around", yep. take it from penelope, she knows. i hope that somewhere in my random thoughts or rambling i made sense. i know there is at least one person who will read this and may consider forgiveness. i hope that you do. i hope that everyone has a good thanksgiving, i know i will. i have lots to be thankful for. and shout out to my old high school classmate who subscribed to this blog, it means allot to me that you care what i think. thank you God for another day sober, another day here, all my friends, all of my family, your forgiveness and grace, and all of the other wonderful blessings you have given us and continue to give us on a second to second basis.you know they say God chuckles when we ask Him for things, not because he doesn't want to give us the things we ask for, but because of how much greater the blessings are that He intends to give us. happy thanksgiving to you and yours from me and mine...later

thank you. may i have another?

Current mood:content

hey. has anyone ever seen a hollister store? i don't know if its a store or if they sell shirts elsewhere, but i need to know. if someone knows of a place where i can get one, please let me know asap. i need to go in and see if the biggest shirt they sell is medium. i am seriously about to give one of these guys a beating. really man, if you wanna look like you have big arms grow some, dont shop in the childrens department. jeez, i feel like i am the only one who is aggravated by this foolishness. i always see this one guy jonathan and it never fails, hes in one of these ridiculous 'fabulous' hats and an extra medium hollister shirt, wtf? dude has to weigh the same as me if not more. of course, he's not quite the specimen i am at my new lowered weight of 185 post-op. his 185 comes with probably 17-23 percent jiggle, he's not fat, but hes not fit. so, the sleeve stitch runs like right over where the trap meets the collar bone, not cool. i dont think it is, but i'm also 28 years old next month, maybe this is one of those things where i am clinging to 1995 and want eddie vedder to still rock the long hair and not be selling guitars at some music shop, writing weak hits for reign over me. maybe i still live in a world where rage against the machine hasnt put out that battle of los angeles cd and the stone temple pilots are debating what to do after the purple cd, well there were some good tunes after that but nothing to write home about. maybe i am so nastalgic, that lane staley still seems alive to me and michael jordan is still the best player in the nba, vinny testeverde is.....nevermind. i do still want to see my 90's people do the things i saw them do 10 years ago with the same bliss and perfection that they did it in back then. maybe its not so much their execution as it is my perception. i am getting to that stage in my life where rap music is ridiculous, church is awesome, and my idea of fun on a saturday night is renting a movie and sitting with my wife on the couch, talking about whatever. the thing about that is, she's not around yet for that. all that stuff about dont know what you got til its gone is true, so true. i guess so is that business about what goes around comes around, two wrongs dont make a right and all that. but that beyonce garbage about,"i can have another you in a minute, and in fact he'll be here in a minute", horsecrap! there is absolutely no replacing the love of your life, oh i'm quite sure i can have someone here in a minute, but it would only be a minute before i'd want the idiot out of my sight. God has done that for me for whatever reason, he has made it clear to me, or i have made it clear to myself that true love is forever and i had it, therefore i still have it. someone saw my wedding band on yesterday and asked me,"what are you still married to?" i said to my wife. he said where is she? are you sure you're not married to the idea of having a wife? whatever. the word of God says that if i ask for anything in prayer and believe it to be done, it already is. its just that sometimes God has such a mess to clean up on account of our sin and wrecklessness that it takes a long time for him to complete a work in someone. i dont know where this is going, nowhere good.......hope everyone had a happy thanksgiving, mine was good, but i miss my wife. much love to my peeps, later.....oh yeah, check the stitch at the top of your sleeve, where is it? is it up on your shoulder? you may be one of these a-holes i was talking about. is your shirt a hollister? ouch, if you are man, take it off. just go shirtless. heres a free pointer, if your ashamed to show off your upper body, then you probably dont have arms worth showing off either. ps when you tell people what size you wear, for christmas presents and stuff, go with at least a large, alright? later

tragic kingdom

so like the rock used to say,"finally....." the time has come. the best running back ever will make his triumphant return on monday night vs. the pittsburgh steelers. the dolphins haven't won a game yet this year, guess what....yep, i think ricky delivers the w. even though he's been out of football since 2005 he has gotten most of the 1st team snaps in practice. dude is good. hope if you play fantasy you thought to give him a shot. anyways, i hope ricky does well, maybe he really quit for good this time too. i guess that remains to be seen for both of us, the proof is in the pudding. and pudding ive got 500 dollars worth of. i cook then i chill. barry and lavonne were the best. so thanksgiving is gone and christmas is fast approaching. the things i want santa cant deliver, nor can any other human being.....i guess one person could, but its not looking good for the home team. i have my birthday coming up in a little over 2 weeks, it'll be the first sober b-day since i was like 16, crazy

the art of self deception

Current mood:anxious

many people have a skill, specific to them. eddie vedder can sing, michael jordan can hoop, jj redick can shoot, and i can lie to myself. yesterday was the latest revelation of my self-deception skills and how amazingly skilled i am in that department. i had 'the talk' with my wife or ex-wife, i need to start writing it, maybe then it will appear real to me. yeah, i thought she was holding the divorce papers and was reconsidering the whole idea. i was wrong. i am such an idiot. she told me that she had to go through with the divorce a long time ago and i heard her, but then the papers were never brought to me so, i figured she had a change of heart. well, that is not what happened. apparently, due to some setback at the attorneys office, my ex-wife hasnt gotten the papers yet. so as she put it,"it may be official, miesch again.". people always tell each other this wont happen to us or we'll always be together or some variation of that monkey crap. believe me i had a better woman than most guys ever dream of having, and if she can call it quits than i see why the statistics are the way they are today. just another number, how about it? well, i know this guy john w(i'm doing it right now s-d) who is in aa. his wife left him and took the house and the baby, he punched her in the face and shot the house up with a .45. they got re-married on their wedding anniversary around the time that john was 3 or 4 years sober, so it could happen. i think it will probably take her having kids with some other man for me to accept it and even then i dont know that i will. i am crazy about her and have her up on this pedestal. its like these other girls dont have a prayer. my counselor used to compare me to a ferrari and myka's other man in her life as a geo prism(which she used to have by the way), the ferrari looks really good right now, but she's seen it in the ditch and knows what that looks like too. so the prism becomes pretty nice when you think about it that way. anyways, i hope that she wont settle for any prism or hyundai or whatever. i am pretty confident that we were in love, the real thing, and no matter what happens that wont go away, so hopefully time will heal some wounds for us both, because as much as she doesn't trust me, i feel betrayed, abandoned, and decieved as well. oh well, what can you do? i pray that it all works out and I know that God can restore it, so I wait, patiently as possible and watch the miracle unfold. dude, if i didnt rely so much on God, i would be off a bridge by now. ah, the art of self-deception. its like you said shannon, sometimes its easier to believe a lie than it is to know the truth. ricky in 2 and a half hours son....ps i will be working at the manship y on wednesday mornings again....peace

unsealed on a porch, a letter sat

Current mood:complacent

lyrics from the pearl jam song yellow ledbetter. its a really good jam that doesnt have many lyrics, but it gets the point across. its about a family recieving a letter about their son dying in the war, and they dont want to open it to see the news they already know. they dont know whether its a box, casket or a bag, body bag...oh yeah. cool song, not much to it. i guess its like any bad situation, you know what the bad news is, but once you see it in writing or physically see it it becomes real. denial is a pretty amazing defense mechanism. i dont know from a book the stages of denial but i'll wing it for arguments sake, i think that its stages of grief, denial being the first. the human mind will go toward the path of least pain and suffering. when a loss occurs the brain tells us that it is not real, this can't be happening. the mind is so powerful that, as my uncle squeaky says,"we manifest what we believe". this is so true and a remarkable feature of the human condition, i say condition because i believe we are spiritual beings having a human experience. so, because i believe that whole heartedly, to me, it becomes real. we manifest what we believe. the next is anger. we lash out, show our teeth. just like a wounded animal, when we are hurt, even emotionally, we growl and show what we are capable of. this is usually a bad deal, i hurt, so you're coming down with me.now phase three is where it can get really embarrassing. we have come to grips with the loss somewhat and have lashed out, but we still dont feel better. now we bargain or beg. in a relationship we say how willing we are to change and how if you take me back i'll do a,b,c, and d. sometimes we blame ourselves, if i would've done this or not gone there or whatever. this again gets us nowhere usually. then stage 4. we've done all we know how to do and give up in a sense. depression is the next stage.we cry or isolate, whatever we do when sad. these 4 stages can happen over months, years, or minutes. i had an experience this week where i cycled through all four in a matter of minutes. that is not it, stage 5 is acceptance. this part is tricky because of that human element. we are so clever that we can decieve ourselves into phase one all over again and believe we are in the acceptance phase. we manifest what we believe. we tell people how we have accepted things and are moving on, but in actuality we are starting the process over again. all in all, on some level we can accept it and move forward. we may still be sad for a long time, but time will heal all wounds. i have been called the acceptance champion by a friend of mine. most of the time i would agree to that, but on some level that title is on the line everyday. being the fighting champion i am, i try my best to be honest with myself and identify where i am emotionally. normally i can do that, but we all are subject to our brains and their cunning attempts to trick or protect us. spiritual beings having a human experience........hi-ya!!! that was just me signing out with a karate chop so, hi-ya!

dont watch my girl poopoo

so yesterday was visitation at the new job. addicts get to visit thier families and significant others. well, this one guy snuck into the bathroom with his fiance. we didnt notice until after they were in there for a few minutes. when i walked up to the door i heard the water cut on, so i waited near the door. out comes the client asking what i was doing. i told him i was just chilling, what was he up to. he told me, get this,"my fiance's in there taking a shit." really dude? really? do you think i am that stupid? alright first, we know whats on your mind, this isnt drug addict stuff, its man stuff. secondly, what were you doing in there watching your fiance poo? i have had some pretty serious relationships including a marriage and i dont ever recall her needing me to monitor a number 2. i could be wrong here, maybe some people are really that much in love or that troubled to watch one another deuteronomy up close, i just never considered it. so, guy will have to talk to his counselor about it, that should make for a good group. anyways, the new job is allot of fun and i think its a good fit for me. i am also invited to the christmas party, hold the phone. i, me, howard, invited to a substance abuse clinic's christmas party, as an employee. it still seems crazy to me that they invite me and trust me with all this responsibility. they dont in the least bit suspect that i'll show up loaded. how the tables have turned, me on a treatment team, God is good.
ps i didnt know how to spell fiance or fiancee for the girl...oh well

big hands i know you're the one

so, we find out within the next hour whether or not the lsu tigers will play for the national title. we certainly don't deserve to be there, but who does really? anyways, i work an overnight shift at trs tomorrow. that sucks. i dont think i've been up all night since, well you know. my weight is back up around 185 lbs. with no leg work. my aunt told me i looked skinny at thanksgiving, so hopefully by christmas i'll be a little heavier. i am eating mad ben and jerry's and everything else i can afford to eat. i think the saints just lost, oh well. i will be done training at trs on tuesday morning and i'll work shifts alone with the guys in the treatment center. it feels good to be doing a job that i like and where i can say something that could change someone's life. its a cool gig. i am thankful for all the wonderful things that have been put in my life as part of this restoration process. i have a great job that i love, my parents like me again, i don't have to duck anyone, i have great relationships with many friends, i have a relationship with my wife, i have my cat, lots of stuff......i am in a work environment where i am trusted to watch 10-20 drug addicts and report thier negative or positive behavior, and am qualified to do so. who better to give counsel than someone who was there and found his way out of it? i'll be making one year of sobriety this month on the week of christmas and will be picking up a chip on the 2nd or 3rd of january after the holidays. if you wanna see it go down, let me know. i will probably go out to celebrate somewhere that night, nothing special really, just dinner somewhere. i also have my real birthday this month and hope to find something to do. anyone with an idea of something to do let me know. i dont even know how to celebrate a birthday. i always got loaded, the 18th of december was just another day where i didnt have to have an excuse of why i was so loaded. its time for the bcs show, so i am out. GO TIGERS!!!!!